There is a moment in grief that nobody prepares you for.
It’s not the funeral.
It’s not the first holiday.
It’s not even the anniversary of their death.
It’s the first time you genuinely laugh again.
I remember the first time I laughed after Q passed away.
For just a split second, I forgot.
I laughed.
And then almost immediately, guilt came rushing in.
Not because I thought Quintin wouldn’t want me to be happy. I know he would.
The guilt came from realizing that life was continuing without him.
The kids would keep growing.
Milestones would happen.
Graduations.
Future weddings.
Future grandchildren.
Family traditions would change.
New memories would be made.
And Q would never know any of it.
That was a hard pill to swallow.
Why Happiness Feels So Wrong After Loss
When you lose your spouse, you don’t just lose a person.
You lose an entire way of life.
The life you built together disappears overnight.
Every area of your life changes.
Parenting changes.
Friendships change.
Finances change.
Household responsibilities change.
Intimacy changes.
Even your identity changes.
Suddenly the person who helped carry the weight of the world is gone.
And now you’re expected to keep living.
People often think grief is only about losing someone else.
But what I discovered was that I was grieving myself too.
The version of me that existed when Q was alive was gone.
In many ways, the day Q died, a part of me died too.
The Things People Say That Don’t Help
I know people mean well.
I truly do.
But some of the things people said during my grief journey felt impossible to hear.
“At least you still have your kids.”
“Your husband left you financially secure.”
“Q would want you to be happy.”
“You’re so strong.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”
The reality is none of those things replaced my person.
Not one of them.
Financial security doesn’t replace a husband.
Children don’t replace a spouse.
Being strong doesn’t make loss hurt less.
And while I know people were trying to help, most of their words fell on deaf ears because I simply couldn’t imagine happiness ever existing alongside grief.
Healing Takes Time
One of the greatest misconceptions about grief is that time heals all wounds.
I don’t believe that’s entirely true.
Time alone doesn’t heal.
What you do with the time matters.
But time is still necessary.
Healing requires both.
Learning to live again is like rewiring your brain.
You’re taking traumatic memories and slowly allowing God to create space for beautiful ones again.
That process doesn’t happen overnight.
It’s slow.
Messy.
Painful.
And holy all at the same time.
You Don’t Get To Choose The Loss
One truth that changed my life was realizing this:
You don’t get to choose what happens to you.
But you do get to choose what you do next.
I Didn’t Choose The Loss, But I Chose The Healing
I didn’t choose to lose my husband.
I didn’t choose to become a widow.
I didn’t choose this road.
But eventually I realized I had a choice to make.
I could stay trapped in bitterness.
Or I could slowly begin choosing healing.
Not because I wanted what happened.
But because I didn’t want grief to have the final word.
Choosing Joy Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
This is where many grieving people get stuck.
We think choosing joy means we’re leaving our loved one behind.
But joy and remembrance can exist together.
I believe learning to choose joy is one of the greatest ways we can honor those we love.
Not because we stop missing them.
Not because the ache disappears.
But because their life mattered enough to inspire us to keep living.
And yet even knowing that, guilt still shows up.
Maybe you’ve felt it too.
You smile and feel guilty.
You take a vacation and feel guilty.
You enjoy a holiday and feel guilty.
You start dreaming again and feel guilty.
You meet someone new and feel guilty.
The guilt whispers:
“If you’re happy, maybe you didn’t love them enough.”
But that’s a lie.
Love isn’t measured by how miserable you remain.
For a long time, I thought my pain was proof of my love.
The deeper I hurt, the more it showed how much I loved him.
But eventually I realized something:
My suffering wasn’t honoring Q.
My living was.
My healing was.
My laughter was.
My willingness to keep showing up was.
Renewing Your Mind Daily
Part of healing has been learning to recognize what grief is trying to tell me.
The anger.
The confusion.
The unanswered questions.
The shock.
The sadness.
Those feelings still show up.
But now when they do, I pause.
I acknowledge them.
I give myself grace.
And then I surrender them to God.
Not because it’s easy.
Because it’s necessary.
Scripture tells us to renew our minds daily.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind- Romans 12:2
That’s because our minds are often a battlefield.
The enemy would love nothing more than to convince us that our story ended when theirs did.
But it didn’t.
The old version of me died when Q died.
That’s true.
But God has been faithfully rebuilding something new.
We Were Never Meant For Death
I believe one of the reasons grief feels so unbearable is because we were never created for death.
Death was never God’s original design.
The pain feels unnatural because it is.
We were created for relationship.
For connection.
For eternity.
That’s why grief leaves such a deep ache.
But that’s also why the hope of Heaven matters so much.
Because this isn’t the end.
The Hope Found In Christ
John 3:16 says:
“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Because of Jesus, death doesn’t get the final say.
Because of Jesus, separation is temporary.
Because of Jesus, we have hope.
The kind of hope that produces joy even when circumstances don’t make sense.
A joy that points directly back to Him.
This is a true Joy that we will see our loved ones again!
Letting Go Of The Guilt
Today I know two things.
Quintin wants me to live fully.
And my Heavenly Father wants me to live fully too.
The ache is still there.
I still miss him.
I always will.
But I am choosing joy anyway.
I’m choosing to laugh.
To dream.
To love.
To serve.
To live.
And I am saying goodbye to the guilt of being happy again.
Because happiness doesn’t dishonor his memory.
It honors the life we built together.
For a long time, I spent most of my energy looking backward.
Looking at what was.
Looking at who I used to be.
Looking at the life I thought I would still have.
If I’m honest, there were seasons when I became so focused on what was behind me that I completely missed what God was placing in front of me.
But eventually God began teaching me something powerful:
Healing isn’t about forgetting what was behind me.
It’s about trusting Him with what is ahead of me.
The more I released my grip on guilt, the more I began to see that God wasn’t finished writing my story.
In fact, I believe He was doing a new thing all along.
Today I am making a choice to get rid of the guilt and shame of living a full life of abundance.
God created me to live an abundant life here on earth so I could overflow into the lives of others from the abundance He has poured into me.
Life is but a vapor.
It is short.
So seize every moment with the people you love.
Spend intentional time learning to love well.
Serve well.
Forgive often.
And point people to the One who loves us the very most, Jesus.
Friend, Can I Ask You Something?
Have you ever felt guilty for smiling again after loss?
For laughing?
For taking a trip?
For dreaming about your future?
For finding joy?
Do you believe choosing to live your best life honors the person you lost?
Or is that something you still wrestle with?
I’d love for you to share your story in the comments below.
Not because you’re alone.
But because you’re not.
Your story may be the encouragement someone else desperately needs today.
Let’s create a community of hope together.
Let’s remind each other that grief and joy can coexist.
And that choosing to live again isn’t betrayal.
It’s healing.
And healing is something worth celebrating.
Crying while reading this as a lot of us can empathize. Thank you for sharing your journey. We all are have our unique situations in life with which we can’t compare. Since I first started following you 5 years ago, my life and family life took a 180. I went from a family of 5 to a family of two. Laughing, trips, going to the store, every thing going forward after my loss is different. It’s different for all who grieve. You Lori, reminded me of the joy I once had in me and am discovering again. We have it divinely in us, it’s just wiser now. I appreciate the good in all so much more now. Time with our loved ones is a blessing. I’m so thankful to Our Savior who gives us hope and help us feel joy among such grief.
Caroline, your comment brought tears to my eyes. ❤️ Thank you for walking alongside me for all these years and for sharing part of your own story.
When you said your family went from five to two… my heart ached for you. Grief changes so much about the life we thought we’d have, yet God is so faithful to gently remind us that joy is still possible.
I love what you said about rediscovering the joy that was once in you. I truly believe God doesn’t ask us to leave our loved ones behind—He invites us to carry them with us as we continue living the life He’s still called us to. Thank you for encouraging me today. May God continue to fill your heart with His peace and hope. 🤍
I have not lost a spouse. I lost my grandmother (my best friend) unexpectedly in 2006. I love the scriptures you have shared, and your comment that our happiness honors them is so wonderful! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this.
Charli, thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ Grief is grief because it’s rooted in love, whether it’s a spouse, grandparent, parent, child, or dear friend.
I’m so glad the Scriptures encouraged you. God’s Word has been my anchor through the hardest days, and knowing it brought comfort to you is such a blessing to me.
Thank you for taking the time to share your heart. 🤍
I didn’t loose a spouse – but my dad – I know my mom struggles with all the things you talk about. I wish the widows group you often speak of had a group in the WNY area she could go to.
Thank you for always being vulnerable & sharing your heart. ❤️
Robin, thank you for your sweet comment. ❤️ My heart goes out to your mom. Losing a spouse is such a unique kind of grief, and I pray she knows she isn’t alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.
I wish every widow had a community nearby where they could be seen, understood, and supported. That’s one of the reasons I continue sharing my journey—so no one has to feel quite as alone.
Please give your mom a hug from me. I’ll be praying that God surrounds her with people who can walk beside her and remind her there’s still hope, even in the hardest seasons. 🤍
Lori- when you were going through your loss, I too was going through a different kind of loss. My husband of 24 years of marriage decided to leave. 3 daughters I had to scoop up and protect – leaving myself very vulnerable and not caring for me. As time has gone on, and with therapy, I’m thinking of me – and like you trying to be happy again ( single). It did feel like a death to me too. Living in this house we built together. One daughter in college and one a senior. They were adults and dealing with all this their own way. Not that we are officially divorced- I can finally breath and work on me- myself and I. It’s hard- so hard BUT I have to – want to and need to.
I follow you a lot and think you’re amazing. Thank you for sharing your life
Alissa, thank you for trusting me with your story. ❤️ While our losses are different, the grief of losing the life you thought you were going to have is very real.
After 24 years of marriage, it’s understandable that you’re learning who Alissa is again. That takes courage. I’m so glad you’re giving yourself permission to heal, to go to therapy, and to believe that happiness isn’t behind you.
I love that you said you want to and need to move forward. That doesn’t diminish what you’ve been through—it honors the strength God has given you to keep taking the next step.
Thank you for walking this journey with me. I’ll be praying for you as God continues to restore your heart and write this next chapter. 🤍
Thanks Lori, for these powerful words of advice!! Michael was my everything and we almost made 10 years of marriage but he passed 6 months before unexpected. We know each other as kids, high school sweetheart and then lost each other for over 20 years. Thanks to God and a whole lot of hoping and pray we found each other in our 40s neither ever married. We somehow knew we would find the other. Michael was my soulmate the night of July 24th changed my world as I knew it. I did CPR on Michael for 20 mins till EMS came but I knew I lost him my mind didn’t want to believe it but my heart knew. Pulmonary Embolism so it was fast and no pain. 3 years later I’m moving on with the occasional set back. I find it hard at times but life for me and all widows doesn’t stop. We have have to keep Faith that God has us and wants us to live a joyful life still. I keep Michael in my heart and memories as I move forward, knowing that’s what he’d want. Michael was about living and he’d want that for me. Live, live life to the fullest and be proud of the things you’ve accomplished on your own now. I think Michael groomed me to be able to be strong and a better me. Now it’s just my time to show him the strength he taught me and I didn’t even know it. Thanks honey for the life you gave me!! I Love you Michael Ray!! Forever in my heart ❤️ Thanks Lori, you seemed to help me out when I struggled. You’ve become my guardian angle when I need that little extra push ❤️ God Bless!
Laura, your story brought tears to my eyes. ❤️ Finding your soulmate again after all those years only to lose him so unexpectedly is a heartbreaking kind of love story.
The fact that you fought for him until EMS arrived speaks volumes about your love. I’m so sorry you had to experience that.
I also loved what you said: “Life for me and all widows doesn’t stop.” That is such an important reminder. Moving forward isn’t moving on from the people we love. It’s choosing to live the life God has still entrusted to us while carrying them in our hearts every single day.
Thank you for sharing Michael with us. I’ll be praying that God continues to bring you peace, strength, and beautiful reminders that love truly never ends. 🤍
Beautifully written. Sending love and prayers
Natalie, thank you so much for your sweet encouragement. ❤️ Your prayers truly mean more than you know. I’m so grateful you’re here, and I pray God blesses you abundantly for the kindness you’ve shown me. 🤍
So so.very well written. Wonderful insight. Thank you for sharing your journey. God bless you In Jesus Name.
Susie, thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤️ If sharing my journey helps even one person feel a little less alone, then every difficult word has been worth writing.
Thank you for your blessing and your prayers. May God continue to walk closely beside you and fill your heart with His peace. 🤍
I believe your story hits home for so many of us. Today marks 4 years for me. Happily married 50 years, Living again is hard. Thank you for sharing your grief journey. It has helped me and I’m sure many others.
Judy, my heart is with you today. ❤️ Fifty years of marriage is such a beautiful gift, and I can only imagine how much your life changed four years ago.
Living again after losing someone you shared so much life with isn’t easy, and I hope you give yourself so much grace. Thank you for letting me know my story has encouraged you. That means more than I can express.
I’ll be praying that God continues to give you strength and moments of joy as you carry your precious memories with you. 🤍
I’m not very good at putting things on paper or words but in truth grief stays with u forever it’s all about how u handle it yes I’m a changed person forever lost my husband 2 years and 4 months not easy we had 1 child he lives away in Charleston sc wanted move there my late husband wanted me to move in a townhouse least maintenance I’m scared I love my home it my soften we lived here 33 years my heart weeps he everywhere here 💖 but u listen sweetie u live for u because he wanted u to be u he loved u he love the family he sees u all growing and of course see hurt pain … thank u for being my friend love ya
Steffi, thank you for sharing your heart with me. ❤️ I could feel your love for your husband in every word you wrote.
One thing that stood out to me was when you said, “I live for him because he wanted us to be loved.” What a beautiful way to honor his legacy. I truly believe the people we love would want us to keep living, keep loving, and keep embracing the family and life we’ve been given.
Thirty-three years is a lifetime of memories, and it’s no wonder you still feel him all around you. Be gentle with yourself. Healing isn’t about leaving them behind—it’s about learning to carry their love with us.
Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your journey. Sending you a big hug and praying God’s peace surrounds you every step of the way. 🤍
I am glad you are learning to laugh again. You must.
Sending love and hugs.
Carmen, thank you so much. ❤️ Those simple words, “You must,” really touched me. For a long time I wasn’t sure if I’d ever laugh freely again, but God has been so faithful in restoring joy one step at a time.
Thank you for celebrating this season with me and for sending your love. It means more than you know. Sending a hug right back! ❤️
I’m still grieving my daughter’s death. It is hard for me especially since I have custody of her three children. I’m making it, but just barely. Your strength, courage and vulnerability are inspiring.
My husband passed away, April 3 2025 We were married for 42 years. His death was unexpected. He didn’t even know he was going to die, which haunts me. He died because the doctor was careless and neglectful. Didn’t know it was gonna happen. He went into the operating room, telling me he couldn’t die. He couldn’t leave me and the kids. I’m struggling ,I cry every day. I miss I’m terribly. I don’t know how to live without my husband. Everytime I want to do something I feel paralyzed. I feel guilty that I didn’t know he was going to die.
Sandra, my heart absolutely breaks for you. ❤️ Losing your husband after 42 years together is an unimaginable loss, and when it happens suddenly, it leaves so many unanswered questions and “what ifs.”
Please know that what you’re feeling is normal. The guilt, the tears, the feeling of being paralyzed, and even the fear of learning how to live without him are all things so many of us in this club none of us wanted to join have experienced.
One thing I’ve learned is that we are not responsible for knowing what we could never have known. Be gentle with yourself. Right now, you don’t have to figure out the rest of your life. Just focus on the next breath, the next hour, the next day.
I’m so sorry you’re walking this road. You’re not alone. ❤️
Guilt
My husband passed away, April 3 2025
We were married for 42 years. His death was unexpected. He didn’t even know he was gonna die, which haunts me. He died because the doctor was careless and neglectful. Didn’t know it was gonna happen. It went into the offer, telling me he couldn’t die. He couldn’t leave me and struggling I cry every day. I miss I’m terribly. I don’t know how to live every time I want to do something I feel paralyzed. I feel guilty that I didn’t know he was gonna die.
I love what you say because it encourages me. I lost my husband after 43yrs of marriage & he was my life along with the Lord! It’s been 4 hard months. It’s encouraging to hear people like you that help take the steps to go on & find joy! I believe God wants widows to find peace & abundant life again. Along with forever loving them. Thank you for helping us!
Kim,
My heart hurts for you. Four months is still so very fresh, especially after 43 years of marriage. When you’ve spent decades building a life with someone, it’s impossible to untangle that kind of love overnight.
I love what you said about believing God wants widows to find peace and abundant life again. I believe that too. Not because we stop loving them, but because we carry that love with us as we continue living.
Please give yourself so much grace in this season. You don’t have to have it figured out right now. Just keep taking the next step and trusting God with tomorrow.
Thank you for sharing a piece of your story with us. ❤️
My husband passed 10-30-25. We were together for 18 years. I just turned 48. Since he has passed I have dealt with my grief on my own. I don’t have family or a support system. My support comes from our 15 year old daughter. She is my rock. I hold a lot of my pain in and it’s unbearable at times. I’m alone and it’s hard. When you spoke about guilt i understand that completely. I know my husband wouldn’t want me sitting around crying but i feel so bad for laughing or having a good time. I don’t want him to think I’m forgetting about him or moving on because I’m not. This hurts.
Crystal,
My heart absolutely breaks for you. Losing your husband after 18 years together and carrying so much of that grief on your own is incredibly heavy.
I can hear how much your daughter means to you. What a blessing that the two of you have each other, even in the midst of such a difficult season.
And when you talked about feeling guilty for laughing or having a good time, I felt that deeply because I’ve wrestled with that exact same thing. For a long time, I felt like enjoying life somehow meant I was leaving Q behind. But I’ve come to realize that healing isn’t forgetting.
Your husband loved you. The fact that you still worry about honoring his memory tells me how much he meant to you.
I don’t believe our loved ones would want us trapped in sorrow forever. They would want us to carry their love with us while continuing to live the life we’ve been given.
Be gentle with yourself, Crystal. Joy and grief can sit at the same table. ❤️
Sending you a hug.
— Lori