Are You Living in the Rearview Mirror?
For the last two years, I’ve spent a lot of time looking in the rearview mirror.
Looking back at what was.
Looking back at who I used to be.
Looking back at the life I thought I would still have.
Looking back at the husband I desperately wish was still here.
If I’m honest, there were days when I became so focused on what was behind me that I completely missed what God was placing in front of me.
Have you ever felt that way?
Maybe for you it’s not grief.
Maybe it’s a missed opportunity.
A broken relationship.
A dream that didn’t happen.
A chapter you wish you could go back and relive one more time.
Sometimes we become so consumed with what we’ve lost that we stop seeing what we’ve been given.
We stare into the rearview mirror so long that we forget to look through the windshield.
And that’s a dangerous place to live.
The Conversation That Changed Everything
Recently, I was having a conversation with one of my daughters in the car.
We were talking about grief.
About healing.
About moving forward.
About the tension I’ve felt since losing Quintin.
Then she said something that stopped me in my tracks.
She reminded me of two stories from Scripture.
The first was Lot’s wife.
The second was the man at the Pool of Bethesda.
I had heard both stories before.
But I had never connected them to my own life the way she did that day.
Lot’s Wife: The Danger of Looking Back
When God was rescuing Lot and his family from Sodom, they were given one simple instruction:
“Don’t look back.”
But she did.
And in a moment, she became a pillar of salt.
I’ve heard that story my entire life.
But for the first time, I wondered if I had been doing the same thing.
Not physically.
But emotionally.
Spiritually.
Living with one foot in the future and one foot constantly looking behind me.
Looking back at what I lost.
Looking back at what used to be.
Looking back at a chapter I desperately wished I could return to.
Do You Want to Be Healed?
Then my daughter reminded me of another story.
The man at the Pool of Bethesda.
For thirty-eight years, he had been unable to walk.
Thirty-eight years of disappointment.
Thirty-eight years of waiting.
Thirty-eight years of identifying himself by what was broken.
When Jesus approached him, He asked a question that seems almost strange:
“Do you want to get well?” (John 5:6)
Of course he wanted to get well… right?
But the man didn’t immediately answer yes.
Instead, he explained all the reasons he couldn’t be healed.
All the obstacles.
All the circumstances.
All the reasons things had stayed the same.
And that’s when it hit me.
Jesus wasn’t asking whether he was hurting.
Jesus already knew he was hurting.
He was asking whether he was ready for his life to change.
Whether he was willing to leave behind the identity he had carried for thirty-eight years.
Whether he was willing to trust God with a future that looked different than his past.
Then my daughter looked at me and asked:
“Mom, do you want to be healed?”
Whew.
That question landed deep.
Healing Requires Change
Because if I’m honest, healing sounds beautiful until you realize what it requires.
Healing requires change.
Healing requires movement.
Healing requires surrender.
Healing requires accepting that you can never go back to what was.
The truth is, I thought I wanted healing.
But healing started looking a lot different than I expected.
Healing looked like taking off my wedding ring.
Healing looked like learning to dance again.
Healing looked like laughing without guilt.
Healing looked like making room for joy while still carrying grief.
Healing looked like trusting God with chapters I never planned to write.
And if I’m honest, part of me wasn’t sure I wanted that.
Because somehow holding tightly to my grief felt like holding tightly to Quintin.
When Grief Becomes an Identity
And suddenly I realized something hard.
Part of me had become comfortable carrying my grief.
Not because I enjoyed it.
But because it made me feel connected to Quintin.
Somewhere along the way, holding tightly to my pain started feeling like honoring his memory.
But honoring someone and idolizing them are not the same thing.
That’s hard for me to even write.
Because I have felt this overwhelming responsibility to carry Quintin’s legacy forward.
I never want him forgotten.
I want people to know who he was.
I want people to know the impact he made.
I want people to know the man I loved.
And if I’m being completely transparent, I think there were times I made my grief an idol.
Maybe even made Quintin an idol.
That’s a difficult sentence to type.
Because I know the difference between worship and love.
But when all your focus stays fixed on what was, eventually you stop trusting God for what could be.
Honoring Someone Is Not the Same as Idolizing Them
My daughter gently reminded me:
“His legacy is still here.”
It’s in our children.
It’s in the values he taught.
It’s in the lives he impacted.
It’s in the stories we continue to tell.
It’s in the people he loved.
His legacy doesn’t disappear because I choose to heal.
And maybe that’s what God has been trying to teach me all along.
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting.
Moving forward doesn’t mean leaving someone behind.
Joy doesn’t dishonor grief.
And a new chapter doesn’t erase the one before it.
In fact, maybe the greatest way to honor God’s gifts from the past is to trust Him with the future.
God Is Doing a New Thing
Lately I’ve felt God whispering the words from Isaiah 43:
“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”
The question isn’t whether God can do something new.
The question is whether I’ll keep looking backward long enough to miss it.
Whether I’ll keep standing beside my own Pool of Bethesda explaining why healing can’t happen.
Whether I’ll keep turning around like Lot’s wife instead of walking toward where God is leading.
Jesus also said you cannot put new wine into old wineskins.
Maybe because old wineskins were never designed to hold what God is about to pour out.
And maybe neither are we.
Maybe God is asking us to release what we’ve been clinging to so He can prepare us for what comes next.
Maybe He’s asking us one simple question:
Will you trust Me with your future?
Healing Isn’t Betrayal
I don’t know exactly what the future holds.
I still miss Quintin every single day.
I still have moments when grief sneaks up on me.
I still have tears.
But for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to understand something.
Healing isn’t betrayal.
Healing is obedience.
Trusting God with tomorrow doesn’t dishonor yesterday.
It honors the God who carried us through it.
So today I’m making a choice.
Not because it’s easy.
Not because I’m fully healed.
Not because I have all the answers.
But because I trust the One who does.
I’m choosing not to turn back.
Because God is doing a new thing.
And I don’t want to miss it.
Have you been living in the rearview mirror?
What is one thing God may be asking you to release so you can embrace the new thing He’s doing in your life?
I’d love to hear your story in the comments below. I love to read every one of them.
Thankyou Lori for for this post. My husband passed suddenly in April 2024, just a few weeks after Quintin. I have been following you since then and been encouraged by you vulnerability and your strength through Jesus to carry you in this next season.
I too have been struggling with the ‘rearview mirror’ mindset and not knowing how or if I could move forward. I say that I trust God with my future and yet my words and actions have revealed something different.
What you have shared today and your daughter’s reminder to you have impacted me deeply. This post has helped me more than any other grief mentor or expert has.
Thankyou & God Bless you for staying true to who you are and how God is always the center of your life and the strength with which you walkout the next season HE has you in.
Jan
Jan… I honestly don’t have the words. 🥹❤️ Thank you for trusting me with your story and for sharing how this has impacted you. Knowing that something God has walked me through could encourage another widow is one of the greatest privileges of my life. Your words humbled me deeply. I’ll be praying that, just as God has been faithful in leading me one step at a time, He gives you the courage and peace to trust Him with whatever He has waiting beyond the rearview mirror. Thank you for walking this journey with me. I’m so grateful you’re here. 🤍🙏
First, thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable piece of your life. I so appreciate your words. This entry, particularly, pulls so many snippets of things from recent weeks for me. I did not lose my husband in the same sense that you lost Quintin. I had to learn to grieve a person who is still here physically, but has changed so much. I am a spouse and caregiver to a wounded combat veteran. we have faced trial after trial, but more recently I have had to face the reality that staying together after twenty years is not what is seemingly best for us anymore. I have wrestled with some of the very questions and thoughts that were written above. to be honest, I’m still wrestling while trying to make peace and trust God as I walk a new path. I still don’t have all of the answers, and I am grieving in a way that is so hard to explain. I am laying it down and trying not to look back. I have to make that intentional choice over and over again. I appreciate your perspective and again, it’s a different view where I am, but your willingness to share what God has put on your heart is helpful for me and others who are walking a different route, but feeling similar doubt.
Lorena, thank you for trusting me with such a deeply personal part of your story. ❤️ As I read your comment, my heart ached for you because I know that the grief of losing someone a little at a time can be just as real. Caring for someone you love while mourning the relationship you once had is a heavy burden to carry.
Thank you for reminding everyone that grief doesn’t always come through death. Sometimes it comes through change, illness, or circumstances we never expected. Your faithfulness in continuing to love and care for your husband is a beautiful reflection of Christ’s love.
Please know you’re not alone in wrestling with those questions. God isn’t intimidated by them, and He’s not asking you to have everything figured out today. He simply asks us to keep bringing our hearts to Him.
I’ll be praying for you—for strength when you’re weary, peace when the future feels uncertain, and moments where God gently reminds you that He sees every sacrifice you’ve made. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m honored you shared it with me. ❤️
Lori, I am stuck, afraid of having a future , angry with the LORD and unable to even open his word. I’ve had so much loss. Lost my first husband at young age of 48 and have 3 beautiful daughters. Only to meet a man who I THOUGHT was from the LORD who was wonderful until he wasn’t. I’ve lost my home, all my belongings , retirement, and then he ghost me and moves to another state. I feel stuck anxious ,hopeless
Michelle, my heart just aches reading your comment. ❤️ You’ve experienced so much loss, disappointment, and heartbreak, and I’m so sorry. Thank you for being honest about where you are—even if that place includes anger, fear, and questions. God isn’t afraid of those emotions, and He loves you even in the middle of them. I’ll be praying that, little by little, He meets you in your pain and gently restores the hope that feels so far away right now. Please don’t give up. He is still near, even when He feels silent. Sending you the biggest hug. 🤍🙏
Lori, I am stuck, afraid of having a future , angry with the LORD and unable to even open his word. I’ve had so much loss. Lost my first husband at young age of 48 and have 3 beautiful daughters. Only to meet a man who I THOUGHT was from the LORD who was wonderful until he wasn’t. I’ve lost my home, all my belingings, retirement, and then he ghost me and moves to another state. I feel stuck, anxious, lost.
Michelle, my heart just hurts reading this. ❤️ You’ve been carrying an unimaginable amount of loss, and I’m so incredibly sorry. I want you to know that God isn’t intimidated by your anger or your questions. He loves you enough to meet you right where you are. There were seasons when all I could do was whisper, “Lord, help me.” I’ll be praying that He gently restores your hope one step at a time. Please don’t lose sight of the fact that your story isn’t over yet. Sending you the biggest hug. 🤍🙏
Thank you for your encouraging words! The next step I’m walking into is my son getting married and leaving the nest! While fully from the Lord and so exciting, there’s this odd grief I’m feeling of my job is done raising him and he is becoming someone else’s. It’s wild and scary and gives me joy and sadness at the same time. But you’re so right that if I stay in the grieving the past and his childhood, I miss the future blessings of his marriage, hopefully kids, and so on! I’m excited to be joyful and move forward!
Sarah, thank you so much for sharing your heart. ❤️ What a beautiful perspective you have. I think every season of motherhood comes with a little grief because it means watching the people we love grow into who God created them to be.
Your job as his mama isn’t over—it’s just changing. Now you get the incredible privilege of cheering him on as he builds a family of his own. I’ll be praying that this next chapter is filled with so much joy, sweet memories, and (hopefully!) those grandbabies you mentioned. Congratulations to both of you! 🤍
Lori,
First of all, I learned about you on messenger when my sister sent me your resurrection snack mix in 2024. I have enjoyed some of your recipes since.
But I didnt realize that God sent you into my life for your message on grieving.
I lost my sweet Jim in February of 2024. I came home with him in his truck parked in our driveway with the engine running.
I found him going through a stroke and later at he ER found out he had a massive brain hemorrhage as well. Saying goodbye to him has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I knew him 38 years, but married 36.
Going forward has been a challenge for me and being able to say that God is good when this didn’t feel good was heart wrenching. It shook my faith to the core. Through lots of prayer and weekly guidance from a counselor/friend I am starting to move forward and have started healing emotionally and spiritually. Your blog was just what I needed to confirm and challenge me with my own experiences of grief. God has led me to so many scriptures and messages from Christian music that has lifted my broken heart.
Thank you for being obedient to share your story. God Bless You!
❤️Melody
Melody, thank you for sharing your story with me. ❤️ I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of Jim. Reading about you finding him in the driveway absolutely broke my heart. I can’t imagine how traumatic that must have been.
It means so much to me that God has used both recipes and grief to bring us together. Looking back, I never would have imagined He would use my own heartbreak to encourage others, yet I’m continually amazed by how He redeems what feels impossible.
Thank you for trusting me with such a sacred part of your story. I’ll be praying that God continues to meet you in the hard moments and gently remind you that He is still good—even on the days when life doesn’t feel good. I’m so grateful you’re part of this community. 🤍
I’m learning to live my retired life. Everyone says, you’ll love it, but with my work I had identity. Letting go and feeling significant in my new life has been tricky. I’m finding myself being a care taker to my husband – and this new responsibility isn’t one I was sure I wanted to on; however, if this is my path that He wants for me, I’m blessed to be able to do it.
Thank you for the story of Pool of Bethesda. I’ve never heard it before and it really meant something to me as I read it. God bless you Lori! I’ve enjoyed following you and learning, unfortunately, through your experiences.
Trisha, thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. ❤️ I think so many of us wrestle with identity when life changes in ways we never expected. Retirement, caregiving, grief… they all have a way of asking us, “Who am I now?”
What encouraged me most was your willingness to trust that this season still has purpose, even though it isn’t the one you would have chosen. I truly believe God honors that kind of surrender.
Thank you for mentioning the Pool of Bethesda. That story has spoken so deeply to my heart too, and I’m grateful it encouraged you as well. I’ll be praying God continues to strengthen you as you faithfully care for your husband. God bless you, friend. ❤️
My Wil stepped into eternity on April 27th of this year. Married 42 years, he was seriously my other half. He was diagnosed with an incurable cancer on Dec. 2018, and that day was the beginning of my grieving process. But it also became the beginning of a timeline for making memories. His loss here on earth is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. I’m not sure that I am ready to move forward just yet, but your comparison to Lot’s wife and the man at the pool of Bethesda is definitely something I do need to consider in my grieving process. I don’t want to be stuck here because I know that’s not what my husband would want me to do, but more importantly God would not want that for me either. Because He tells us in the Bible, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans for a hope and a future..”. Jeremiah 29:11. Thank you for your thoughts on grief. It has given me something to ponder and pray about.
Debbie,
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your Will. Forty-two years is a lifetime of shared memories, routines, dreams, and love. Reading your comment, I can feel how deeply connected the two of you were.
I also appreciate what you said about his diagnosis beginning a different kind of grieving process years before his passing. I think many people don’t realize that anticipatory grief is grief too.
And please hear me when I say this: there is no timeline for moving forward. I don’t believe God asks us to rush our grief. For me, the lesson of Lot’s wife wasn’t about forgetting what was behind her—it was about not becoming so fixed on the past that she could no longer see what God was doing in front of her.
Right now, if all you can do is take the next breath and the next step, that’s enough.
Thank you for sharing a piece of your story with us. I know your love for Will shines through every word you wrote. ❤️
Praying for you,
Lori
Wow. Choking back tears as this lands hard. Will be 3 years in Oct since losing Mike. We also were high school sweethearts married 41 years. I definitely believe my grief is what connects me. Im still wearing my wedding ring…moving forward feels terrifying and guilty. Thank you for your honesty….I ask God to do His will each morning…I will ask for willingness to accept where I am in life. Again,thank you for your vulnerability.
Kim, your words touched my heart. ❤️ I think so many of us can relate to what you said—that grief can begin to feel like the thing that connects us to the person we lost.
One thing God has been teaching me is that my love for Quintin isn’t measured by how long I grieve but by how faithfully I carry his legacy forward. That realization has given me so much freedom.
I love that you’re starting each day by asking God for His will and for the willingness to accept where you are. That’s such a beautiful prayer. I’ll be praying right alongside you that He continues to give you peace one day at a time. 🤍
Lori I completely understand. I think i have been in your shoes since we both started this journey April 2024. moving forward is hard fir me but with God’s help, I know I’m going to make it. no, its6not easy but I believe with some changes that I have planned I will be able to move forward. I will never stop loving my Robert but I know he would want me to move forward and live. so that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Love and prayers for all of us in this together.
Lois,
Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like we’ve been walking parallel paths since April 2024.
I love what you said about knowing you’ll make it with God’s help. Some days moving forward feels impossible, and other days it feels a little more manageable, but through it all God continues to carry us.
One thing I’ve learned is that moving forward doesn’t mean leaving our loved ones behind. Their love, their lessons, and their impact become part of who we are.
I don’t think we ever stop loving them. We simply learn how to carry that love differently.
Praying that God blesses the changes you’re making and gives you peace as you continue taking those next steps forward.
❤️ Lori
Wow! What wisdom your daughter spoke to you! This was beautiful! I’ve only lost my father years ago, but had many other life challenges that I could have gotten “stuck” in. I always try to “let go and let God”. God has BIG plans for you I feel and Q will be smiling the entire time!
Rhonda,
Thank you so much for your kind words. That conversation with my daughter stopped me in my tracks too. Sometimes God uses our children to speak truths we desperately need to hear.
I love what you said about “letting go and letting God.” That’s often easier said than done, but I’ve learned that God’s plans are always bigger than the ones I try so hard to hold onto.
Thank you for taking the time to encourage me today. It means more than you know. ❤️
— Lori
Thank you Lori! I lost my husband of 35 years, 3.5 years ago. I pray to God all the time, thanking him for my wonderful marriage, husband and family . As well as patience for what is next and the sight to recognize his plan for me. Living without my best friend is hard as life moves forward and events occur that he should be here for such as weddings and grandchildren. I do trust God but still struggle with why I am alone now in this next chapter. I need to look at this differently as a new chapter not just next one as you said. God bless you!
Robin,
Thank you for sharing this. The way you described thanking God for your marriage while also asking Him to show you what’s next really resonated with me.
I think one of the hardest parts of grief is watching life continue to move forward without the person we thought would be there for all of it—the weddings, the grandchildren, the holidays, and the everyday moments in between.
I also understand what you mean about missing your best friend. That’s the part I think people often overlook. We aren’t just grieving a spouse—we’re grieving the person we shared our life with, our memories with, and our future with.
Thank you for reminding us that faith and struggle can exist in the same heart. Praying God continues to guide your next chapter one step at a time. ❤️
— Lori
Thank you Lori! I lost my husband of 35 years, 3.5 years ago. I pray to God all the time, thanking him for my wonderful marriage, husband and family . As well as patience for what is next and the sight to recognize his plan for me. Living without my best friend is hard as life moves forward and events occur that he should be here for such as weddings and grandchildren. I do trust God but still struggle with why I am alone now in this next chapter. I need to look at this differently as a new chapter not just next one as you said. God bless you! Thank you! 😊
While not having lost a spouse, between the years of 2018 – 2023 I lost the remaining members of my immediate family – 2 sisters (older and younger), my Dad and my last remaining brother. Years before that we had lost my Mom, brother and niece and nephews. While I don’t understand why I was left the last one standing, it has been a difficult road. I would like to think that we were a close family – no we were a close family and I miss them terribly. I am just now starting to look forward and focus on the future. I am not sure we will ever be totally healed, but we CAN look forward to the joy of life. I know my grandkids have helped me with that.
Janet,
My goodness, my heart hurts reading your story. The amount of loss you’ve carried is difficult to even comprehend.
While our circumstances are different, I think grief has a way of asking many of the same questions: Why am I still here? Why did they go first? What am I supposed to do now?
What stood out to me most was when you said you’re beginning to look forward and focus on the future. I don’t think that means you miss them any less. I think it’s a testament to the love they poured into you and the life they would want you to continue living.
I also love that your grandkids have helped bring joy back into your life. Sometimes God gives us little reminders that there is still beauty ahead, even after tremendous loss.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. ❤️
— Lori
Lori thank you for this. Beautifully written and truly hits home with me. I know I need to let go of the fear I have of the future.
Joanne,
Thank you for your kind words.
I think fear of the future is something many of us wrestle with after loss. When life changes in an instant, it can feel safer to look backward than forward.
What I’m learning is that letting go of fear doesn’t mean we suddenly have all the answers. It simply means trusting God with the parts we cannot see yet.
Praying that as you step into this next season, God gives you peace, courage, and confidence for whatever He has ahead. ❤️
— Lori
You are such an inspirational lady. I am happy you are putting your faith in our Father to guide you into tomorrow. My prayers are with you.
Thank you Lori for writing such a beautiful piece. It’s exactly where I am right now. Michael passed away three years ago July 24, 2023. We met as high school sweethearts just like you and Q but we knew each other since middle school. It wasn’t until prom that solidified what we already knew that we really loved each other. But we lost touch after Michael went to college. 20 years later Michael and I reconnected and found each other. God played a hand in that I know neither of us were married. We started dating and then Michael had to go to Afghanistan to do a small six month service as a private contractor for the army when Michael got back in March, we dated July 2012 Michael proposed to me. We were married then March 15th 2014 which was my mother’s birthday who passed away in 2010. Michael passed away 9 1/2 years later but the 9 1/2 years we had together were the best of my life. like you, we both have had similar pads with our husband’s passing away one of our parents passing away, which actually now both of my parents had passed away the tattoo the new car I can’t say that we probably may have a few other things similar, but I just wanna say thank you for walking this journey with me and I have enjoyed being in your journey as well. You’ve helped me tremendously. I do believe that this is a new chapter for me and God is with me holding my hand helping me start my new life without Michael but always holding Michael in my heart once again Lori thank you and God bless.
This article was very powerful. I felt I had to hold on to my husband to honor him and felt quilt if I move on. Beautiful message THANK YOU