They don’t tell you this part about grief.
Yes, you’ll feel heartbreak. Yes, you’ll cry. Yes, you’ll miss them every single day.
But what no one really talks about is the fact that grief doesn’t just take the person you love — it takes pieces of you, too.
And there comes a moment, whether it’s weeks, months, or years later, when you realize:
There are two stages of grief.
Who you were before.
Just 5 days before Quintin passed away...
And who you became after.
Year One: The Crushing Fog of Denial
When I look back at the first year after losing my husband, I barely recognize myself.
I was moving through life in a fog — functioning, but not really living.
The denial was so heavy it almost felt protective.
Like my heart couldn’t possibly take in the reality all at once, so my mind kept me in survival mode.
You wake up and for half a second, you forget.
Then the wave hits again.
And again.
And again.
People tell you, “You’re so strong,” but they don’t see the nights you crumble on the bathroom floor. They don’t hear the prayers you whisper through tears: Lord, please just let this be a nightmare.
Year one is filled with “firsts” you never wanted — the first birthday without them, the first holiday without their laugh, the first time you realize their side of the bed has gone cold.
And yet, in all of that, you’re still almost… numb.
Like your soul knows it has to keep some distance from the pain or you might not make it through.
Year Two: The Ache That Cuts Deeper
If year one was denial, year two is when the fog lifts — and the raw ache sets in.
This year is harder in ways I never imagined.
The reality of my loss feels heavier, not lighter.
The distractions and chaos of “just getting through” are gone, and I’m left face-to-face with the emptiness.
People stop checking in.
The texts that used to come every week now barely come at all.
The “call me anytime” invitations fade.
It’s not that people are bad or unloving — it’s just that life moves on for them.
But for you? Life has changed forever.
I’ve learned that grief can be deeply isolating.
It’s easier to put up walls than to say out loud, “I wish you were still here for me. I thought you’d stick around.”
Fighting the Version of Me I Don’t Want to Become
Here’s my truth:
I miss who I was before.
Before grief made me cautious.
Before I started overthinking every conversation.
Before I had to guard my heart like it was made of fragile glass.
They say grief can morph into darker emotions — anger, anxiety, bitterness.
And I can feel them creeping in sometimes.
I hate that.
I don’t want to be this version of me.
Some days I want to scream.
Some days I feel like I’m holding everything in because the only person who fully understood me… is no longer here.
The Loneliness No One Talks About
Year one, you’re surrounded by people.
Year two, you can hear your own footsteps in the silence.
No one talks about how lonely it feels when the world keeps spinning but you’re stuck in a place you never wanted to be.
No one tells you how exhausting it is to keep pretending you’re okay when you’re anything but.
I’ve learned that loneliness doesn’t always mean you’re physically alone.
Sometimes it means you’re in a crowded room but no one can truly see the storm inside your soul.
What I Wish I Could Tell the Me From Before
If I could go back and talk to the me before grief, I’d say:
- Love deeper. Hug longer.
- Say the things that feel awkward to say, because you might not get another chance.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff — in the end, none of it matters.
I’d tell her to cherish the normal days, the ones she thought were boring.
Because one day she’d give anything to have them back.
Finding Glimmers in the Dark
Even in the heaviness, I’ve found little moments that remind me I’m still here.
The smell of fresh coffee in the morning.
A song on the radio that makes me smile through tears.
A sunset that paints the sky in colors so beautiful, I can’t help but think, he would have loved this.
Those glimmers don’t erase the grief.
But they remind me there’s still life to be lived.
If You’re Here Too…
If you’ve lost someone you love and you’re reading this thinking, Yes. This is exactly where I am, please hear me:
You are not alone.
Your feelings are valid.
You don’t have to “be strong” every day.
It’s okay to miss who you were before.
It’s okay to be tired of fighting.
It’s okay to admit that this hurts more than you thought possible.
And it’s okay to hold onto hope — even if right now it feels like a whisper.
Faith in the Middle of the Mess
I wish I could say my faith has made grief easy.
It hasn’t.
But it has been the anchor when the waves hit.
When I’m tempted to believe I’m completely alone, I remember:
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18
That verse doesn’t promise an easy road, but it promises His nearness.
And some days, that’s the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other. That along with the blessing of my children.
Let’s Talk About It
One of the hardest parts of grief is feeling like you have to carry it silently.
But I believe there’s healing in sharing our stories — even the messy, unfiltered parts.
So I want to open up my little corner of the internet — right here on this blog — as a safe space for those of us walking through loss.
I’d love for you to share in the comments:
- What stage of grief are you in?
- What has surprised you most about the journey?
- What’s one thing you wish people understood about what you’re going through?
Whether you’ve been in this season for weeks or decades, your story matters.
Your voice matters.
And you never know who might read your words and feel a little less alone.
Final Thoughts
Grief will change you.
There’s no way around that.
But maybe — just maybe — we can walk through it together and remind each other that even in the pain, there can still be connection.
If you’re here today missing who you were before, please know:
I see you.
I’m with you.
And I believe there’s still purpose for your life, even in this new version of you. If you are looking for resources, I would love to share NEVER ALONE it is a community of amazing women and moms who have also weathered the storm of widowhood. I will continue to try to update with resources as I find them helpful in my own journey. So please bookmark my CrazyBusyMama blog as it is more than just recipes, it is my prayer that it offers hope in the midst of your storm.
🖤 Share your thoughts below. I read every comment. Let’s lift each other up in this space. –
Much Love – Lori
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Rooted in HIM is a grief journal available to anyone who may be walking through a season of grief. Scriptures and prompts to help you on your grief journey. AVAILABLE HERE FOR ONLY $15!
First, id like to thank my sister for sending me this. I lost my husband 3 weeks ago after being together for 30 years. His death has hit me so hard. I knew he was going to die as he had been sick for a long time but that hasnt made it any easier. The emotional roller coaster i feel i am on doesnt make it better. The tears just flow at any given minute. I try to concentrate on the good life we shared together and not on how much i miss him . It doesn’t make it easier though. Thank you for sharing your story and for listening to me.
We lost my brother 11 months and 1 day ago. He lived with a rare disease for 41 years, 7 months, and 13 days and my parents were the most amazing facilitators of a GOOD LIFE for him despite limitations and disability. My sister and I loved him beyond words. I chose my career path, hobbies, projects, even the car I drove based on him. My greatest joys were having him over for Sunday dinner and then getting to sit beside him and help him paint and seeing his creative genius come out. He had normal intelligence stuck in an uncooperative body, and I was so ready to care for him someday if ever needed. I never realized how much my identity hinged on being Josh’s sister. He passed so suddenly 6 weeks after being diagnosed with liver cancer. My heart feels like it has dissolved. Nothing feels right. A year is closing in and nothing is any better. I have been realizing that year two is staring us down and looks as awful as this one was. Thank you for the true perspective in your words. It does help to hear we are not alone.
Hi Lori,
I’m so sorry for the loss that you’ve suffered. I love that you speak up and share your grief so authentically. You help others more than you know! I’m also a widow and it’s my mission to encourage, support, and empower widows. I would be so honored to collaborate with you sometime.
So sorry, Hate that we are in this same club! Love that you are on mission. Please reach out via email to collaborate. <3
Lori, I’ve been thinking a LOT about you writing a book about grief. I even had a dream about it!!! I never remember my dreams… so that says something! I look for you every day to lift my spirits and inspire me to keep moving forward. I lost my only son 5 years ago. He had just turned 30. I’m still struggling. I’ve come to realize that grief is grief, regardless of who you lost. Of course there are differences, but the bottom line is that our hearts are in pain and we are all trying to learn how to live without the person, or people we lost. I believe God has given you a purpose and platform through your unimaginable pain. Not only would I buy your book, but I would gift it to anyone who is experiencing the pain of loss and grief. PLEASE pray about writing a book. You could include all of the beautiful bible verses you’ve shared with your followers along your journey. You are a gifted writer. You are a gifted storyteller. You know how to connect with people on the most raw, human level.
Thank you for being YOU. Much love and hope. Elizabeth Zalewski
Such an encouragement! So sorry for your loss of your son. Grief is so tricky. I have been prayerfully considering. God sent you to my blog to comment for a reason <3 Truly appreciate you!
I am r8ght there w8th you. My Robert died exactly 4 days after your Q. Every word you said in this blog is so very true. Where sis “they” go? Without our Lord i could not even begin to get through this. I’ve often said, I never knew anything coukd hurt this bad, never knew i coukd miss him so very much, and never knewbl the loneliness. Some days are tolerable and others I just exist. I was very happy that I happened upon your IG. You have been a huge help to me. I pray for us both daily. I lost my husband very unexpectedly also. Not easy but with God’s help, we’ll both get through this one step at active. God Bless You!
You’ve been such a touch stone for me, Lori. I relate to every word you say. This isn’t the life any of us wanted. But it’s the life God wants us to have. I believe that sharing your grief is part of the “work” that God had in mind for you when he called Quinten home. It’s your mission field. Thank you for sharing your strong faith. You strengthen my walk.
And thank you for this invitation to share as I have a lot bottled up. I became a widow 4 months before you. Also lost my husband unexpectedly. Also have a teenage son. I too don’t always like me anymore. I have lots of anger at the medical community whose F Up led to my husband’s death. And regrets about not questioning certain things, not pressing for more tests or more conclusive answers. I know regrets and anger only keep me stuck, but it takes time to let them go. I even find myself wishing death would come to more of those around me just so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. There would be more people who get it. Yea, wicked. I know. Just one of the ways I don’t like the new me.
Only a tiny number of friends still ask how I’m doing and give space for me to let some of the pain out. Everyone else just carries on as before, so I know to act “normal” around them and pack my grief away. I have pruned away a number of friendships that I had previously maintained but didn’t really enjoy. One of the take-aways from my husband’s death is that life it too short. Tone deaf friends and energy vampires are out.
Most painfully, I sometimes try NOT to think about all the love and happy memories I have of my husband and how he made me feel. It’s just too hard. So I “change the channel” in my brain when I just can’t go there. I’ve heard that in time you remember with more love and gratitude than sorrow and pain. I welcome that day.
A silver lining in my husband’s death is that I think of the life after this one – eternal life in heaven with God and my husband – WAAAAAAY more than I ever did, and my faith is stronger than it was. So much of this earthly journey – like possessions, political views, my ego – just don’t matter. I just wish I could be content and “filled up” with God’s love alone. But I’m lonely.
Well, thanks for letting me get a lot of that out! Sorry for the long post. With love.
Its just 1 year for me and our 6 children. The numbness is gone and the deep pain is felt …. sometimes I think he’s at work and I get ready to call him and tell him something silly….like I used to…but he’s not here to tell and my heart sinks. I have cried to God so much my eyes swell…but thats the only one I knows who understands this great of a loss and I also know He keeps His promises and the promise of heaven brings hope. I am so weary and so incredibly missing the love….the love I received from my husband and the love he filled my heart with and I would give so much just to look in HIS beautiful baby blue eyes right now and feel so safe and loved in his arms. Its never what you have. Its always WHO you have around you. My heart snd prayers are with each widow here. God bless us all. When TWO BECOME ONE…and ONE goes to heaven. The other walks this world with an amputee heart. How can that be anything but heartbreaking
16 years ago today my husband passed Two days before he was to retire . I have spent these last few years trying to feel whole when there was half of me missing . My grief is bigger today , however I truly feel blessed to have come across your blog . It;s just what I needed to see . I am 5’2 and 120lbs and he was built like a linebacker , 6’3″ and 270 .So I saw myself and your husband in your Before photo . I fell in love with him when he sang The Lord’s Prayer at a wedding and we recreated that at our own wedding… He was my best friend and father of our three boys and one girl . (We have six grands now ) Just thank you for sharing your heart with us . After all these years I still feel like I have one foot up in the air . Bless you , Jo
I lost my husband 9 months ago yesterday. Today, my oldest celebrates his 18th birthday. Each day gets harder especially those milestones. I hate that grief not only changed me but forced my 4 boys to grow up too fast and with a different version of me. They already lost their dad.
I’m in year 3 of my grief and everything you feel and said is so true. Now when I don’t hear from friends as frequently I think about how everyone’s life continues on as normal but my normal is not normal. This isn’t how I saw my life going. We were supposed to retire and travel after raising our family now retirement isn’t really something I look forward too because what will I do. To make it through each day I say that I am moving forward…I’ve never thought of it as moving on. 💔
Lori, i think that God put you in my facebook feed for a reason. I discovered you in my feed and began following you. You had lost your husband several months prior. And then I lost my soulmate of 15 years, very suddenly, and unexpectedly, this past March. My whole life, as I knew it, came to an end that day. Trying to navigate my “new normal” is so hard. I just had my first birthday without him. It was so difficult. I miss him so much. Most of the time, I can’t even describe how i’m feeling. I’m taking it minute by minute, because that’s how quickly my emotions can change…”ok” one minute and bawling the next. Listening to you talk about your grief and how you’re feeling have helped me realize i’m not alone in this nightmare. You have articulated many of my own thoughts and feelings so perfectly. God knew I was going to need this. So thank you for sharing your raw emotions and your journey. This is an awful club that no one wants to be in, but i’m glad I found you.
Remember the anchor holds in spite of the storms. I have lost all my family, mom , dad, bother. But I never got made at God. They say losing a spouse or a child is the worse. I hope I never have to go through that. Just lost a friend of 60 years. High school and church. Broke my heart, but I know I will see her one day soon. Prayers for your grief.
I am in year two of grief over the loss of my husband. I identify with every single word you said. I feel like a totally different person than I was before his death. My reality has shifted totally. My husband and I were worship leaders at our church so unfortunately our church is not a happy place for me right now. It just doesn’t feel right. It feels so hard. God has been right here with me and held on to me throughout this ordeal so my faith hasn’t faltered but going to church just feels strange . I pray for you daily and am grateful I found you last year. I’ve cried with you many days.. God bless you and your children!
The challenges and struggles are huge. I just had my 10th anniversary without my husband, August 6th. It was 48 years ago that we were married. The first year you steel yourself for all the “first” without your spouse. I let my guard down after that first year until I got slammed with grief out of nowhere. Most people don’t share the year 2 is really hard too. Like you said, life happens for others and you don’t feel as supported as before. Those that haven’t experienced loss like ours just don’t know how it is. We became ONE with our spouse and now a HUGE part of us is missing! AWOL, gone without our permission or forewarning so that we could begin to prepare for the singleness of life. The singleness I’d never lived before.
My faith in God the Almighty is deep. I know he is near every moment!! My church family and blood family have been supportive as they navigate this loss too. But some days it seems too much for many of them too.
July and August are hard for me. My husband’s birthday, also the day he proposed to me; the asking of the first date, the first date – to the MO State Fair; our wedding anniversary; all the return trips/dates at the MOSF; the birth of our first child and later our first grandchild.
But God…He carries us, helps us to grow and be more than we think we can be, catches us when we can’t go anymore, reminds us we are enough though others say differently.
Nine years, 5 months, I’m a different person in many ways. I, too, miss who I used to be but also know I am still a precious treasure to my Lord being refined for His glory in the days ahead. As we share our challenges and victories, we can comfort, cry and encourage others that are beginning the unwanted path of widowhood.
We are not alone, seek out each other, step up and let the new widows know we understand that they “won’t get over it” anytime soon or ever, really. We just adjust to this different life. I hope each of us chooses to flourish a little more each day and not let the darkness overtake what can still be a fruitful life.
My 4th year will soon be here (September 20th) and I TOTALLY agree with all that has been said.
I know that the Lord still has a plan for me and I am so glad He gives me the strength I need every moment of every day.
So thankful for places like this that we can be raw and open about our journey.
I felt every bit of that. My husband of 22 years left us very unexpectedly 94 days ago. If year 2 is worse than this, I’m not sure how anyone makes it. Im literally making it 1 second at a time. It had to get better. It just has to
Oh Brooke… it’s a pain that is so hard to even describe. Words will never be able to do it justice. 🙁 I am so sorry for this pain you are walking through… I know the only reason I have made it this far is because of the Lord. He has given me everything I need and just enough to get through my toughest moments. Every day you will carry this pain and somehow someway you get stronger with every step you make. Keep stepping my sweet friend. <3
You have been such a help to me. I lost my husband suddenly less than a month after you lost yours. My daughter found your blog shortly after and I have been following you ever since. Man this second year is way harder than I expected! I just want you to know that you are making a difference and you have been such a source of encouragement for me. This is certainly nothing that any of us asked for and I wake up every day hoping it was all a bad dream. 😢
You have a beautiful family and those babies of yours are SO incredibly blessed to have you. Your strong faith and foundation in Jesus Christ will continue to see you all through.
So sweet of you to say. I believe I am the one who is blessed <3