I thought I Would Never Be the Same
There is a phrase I’ve repeated countless times since Q passed away:
“I will never be the same.”
For a long time, I meant it in the saddest way possible.
I believed I would always be less than who I once was.
Less joyful.
Less carefree.
Less hopeful.
Less alive.
When Q died on April 9, 2024, it felt as though my entire world died with him. Not only was I grieving the loss of my husband, my best friend, and the father of my children—I was grieving the loss of the woman I used to be.
The woman who laughed easily.
The woman who dreamed freely.
The woman who wasn’t carrying around a heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
In those early days, I convinced myself that survival was the goal.
Just make it through today.
Then tomorrow.
Then the next day.
I believed God wanted my surrender more than my happiness. That perhaps the lesson in all of this was simply learning how to suffer well.
And while there is certainly truth in surrender, somewhere along the way I unintentionally adopted a dangerous belief:
That grief had become my identity.
I wasn’t just grieving.
I was grief.
I wasn’t just carrying pain.
I was pain.
I wasn’t just walking through suffering.
I was suffering.
The loss became so intertwined with my identity that I began believing my future would always be defined by what happened to me.
I Didn’t Choose the Loss, But I Chose the Healing
As I shared in my previous blog, I Didn’t Choose the Loss, But I Chose the Healing, I eventually came to realize something life-changing:
I didn’t get a vote in the loss.
I didn’t choose the phone call.
I didn’t choose the heartbreak.
I didn’t choose widowhood.
But I did get to choose whether I would participate in my healing.
At the time, I thought choosing healing was the destination.
I know now it was only the beginning.
Because healing isn’t one decision.
It’s a thousand small decisions made over and over again.
It’s choosing hope when despair feels easier.
Faith when fear feels louder.
Gratitude when bitterness feels justified.
And sometimes, healing looks like learning to dance again.
Not literally.
But spiritually.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
Learning how to embrace joy without feeling guilty for it.
Learning how to laugh without apologizing.
Learning how to look toward the future without feeling like you’re betraying the past.
When Healing Feels Like Betrayal
For months I unknowingly carried around the belief that if I ever felt truly happy again, somehow I would be dishonoring Q.
As if my sadness proved my love.
As if my suffering kept me connected to him.
As if healing meant letting him go.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
The God Wink I Never Saw Coming
One afternoon I was listening to Levi Lusko and TobyMac share about their grief journeys.
I have always felt connected to TobyMac’s story.
Just a month before Q passed away, he bought last minute tickets for our family to attend a
K-LOVE concert. One of the kids had to work, and Q actually covered the shift so all of us could go together.
That night TobyMac shared about his grief journey of losing his son Truett, and he performed the song Faithfully.
At the time, I had no idea how much those lyrics would one day mean to me.
After losing Q, that song became one of the anchors God used to remind me of His goodness.
So when I came across a conversation between TobyMac and Levi Lusko nearly a year and a half later, I stopped scrolling and listened.
Then Levi shared something that brought me to tears.
The Question That Changed Everything
After the sudden loss of his daughter, he felt God ask him:
“Levi, if I healed your limp… would you still fake one?”
I couldn’t stop crying.
Because suddenly I realized God wasn’t just speaking to Levi.
He was speaking to me.
Lori, if I healed your limp, would you still walk like you’re wounded?
Would you still define yourself by what happened?
Would you still live as though the grave gets the final word?
Then I felt something in my spirit I will never forget.
Not audibly.
Not dramatically.
But undeniably.
I felt the Holy Spirit whisper:
“Lori, if I asked you to dance again before you thought you were ready, would you say yes?”
Not when the grief disappeared.
Not when life felt fair.
Not when I had all the answers.
Right now.
Would I trust Him enough to dance?
Would I trust Him enough to step into joy?
Would I trust Him enough to believe He still had a future for me?
Healing Isn’t Forgetting
Because here’s the truth:
Healing isn’t forgetting.
Healing isn’t moving on.
Healing isn’t pretending the loss didn’t happen.
Healing is allowing God to redeem what the enemy intended to destroy.
Healing is believing that your story didn’t end when your heart broke.
Healing is understanding that grief may always travel with you, but it no longer has to drive.
And in that moment, I realized I had a choice.
I could continue identifying with the wound.
Or I could identify with the One who heals it.
I could stay camped beside the grave.
Or I could follow Jesus toward resurrection.
I could keep looking backward.
Or I could trust Him with what lies ahead.
Surviving Was Never the Goal
I put down my phone.
Lifted my hands.
And surrendered.
Not because I suddenly felt strong.
Not because I suddenly understood God’s plan.
But because I knew I didn’t want my story to stop at survival.
I wanted to live.
I wanted every ounce of suffering to be used for His glory.
I wanted every scar to become a testimony.
I wanted every tear to water something beautiful.
I wanted to become a willing vessel for whatever God still wanted to do through my life.
And perhaps most importantly—
I wanted to stop viewing joy as something I lost and start viewing it as something God was restoring.
From the Grave to Resurrection
The enemy wants us to believe our suffering is the end of the story.
Jesus reminds us it can become the beginning of a new chapter.
God never promised me a life free from pain.
But He did promise He would never leave me in it.
He never promised me answers.
But He promised me His presence.
And while I may never fully understand why some things happen this side of Heaven, I do know this:
He is still faithful.
He is still good.
He is still redeeming.
He is still resurrecting things that look dead.
Learning to Dance Again
Today I choose healing.
Tomorrow I will choose healing again.
And the day after that.
But now, I choose something else too.
I choose to dance.
Not because my grief is gone.
But because my God is greater.
Not because my heart wasn’t broken.
But because He is healing it.
Not because I know what the future holds.
But because I know Who holds it.
May the world look at my life and wonder how someone who has walked through so much loss can still dance.
And may the answer always point back to Jesus.
Because the girl who once thought she would never be the same was right.
I’m not the same.
By God’s grace, I’m becoming someone new.
And I’m finally learning how to dance again.
💃❤️🩹
I’d love to hear from you.
Has God ever asked you to take a step before you felt ready?
What does “learning to dance again” look like in your season of life?
Share your story in the comments below. Someone else may need your testimony today ❣️
Just beautiful!! I know your writings/posts are helping many people and I love how you point people to Jesus!! I went through a very unwanted divorce 12 years ago after 34 years of marriage to a pastor!!! it nearly wrecked me, but I, too, clung to God and clung to His promises! My #1 promise is Beauty for Ashes!!! I continue to trust God will write “the rest of my story”!!! I love how He is bringing you joy again!
DeeAnn, thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ Your testimony is such a beautiful reminder that God truly does bring beauty from ashes. I’m so sorry for the pain you walked through after 34 years of marriage. I know that kind of heartbreak changes you forever.
I love what you said about trusting God to write “the rest of my story.” That has become my prayer too. Thank you for encouraging me and for reminding others that our hardest chapters don’t have to be our final chapters. God is so faithful. ❤️
thank you. I’m learning how to get thru grief and healing and keeping my 17 yr old grandson to do the same. I lost my only son Kaleb F36 on 2.26.26. In a car accident. It’s a pain that is unimaginable. I miss his calls, his texts, his hugs and his laugh. the thought of never hearing “I love you momma” is so painful. I trust God has a plan. I do trust that his plan is better than mine. I want him to use me however he can. I am waiting for God to guide me. I truly know my son is in heaven and I will see him again. thank you for sharing your thoughts and story. One thing I know is true. God is good. All of the time. Hugs Lori
Tamra, my heart absolutely breaks for you. ❤️ I cannot imagine the pain of losing your only son. Thank you for trusting me with such a tender part of your story.
I love your faith in the middle of unimaginable grief. When you said, “God is good. All of the time,” that spoke straight to my heart. It doesn’t mean this loss makes sense—it means we know Who is holding us even when we don’t understand.
I’ll be praying for you and your grandson as you both continue to navigate this heartbreaking journey. What a gift that he has you to love and encourage him. Thank you for reminding me that one day we will see our loved ones again. ❤️
“May the world look at my life and wonder how someone who has walked through so much loss can still dance.”
I LOVE this! It has been just over 2 1/2 years, and this year has been the hardest yet. At times it feels hopeless, but I know God’s got me.😊 Thank you for your daily words of hope and encouragement. You are very much appreciated!❤️
Michelle, thank you for sharing this with me. ❤️ The quote you pulled out has become one of the deepest prayers of my heart. Not that people would see me, but that they would see a God who can restore hope after unimaginable loss.
I’m so sorry this has been your hardest year. Grief has a way of surprising us, even years later. Hold tightly to the truth you shared: God’s got you. He has carried you this far, and He won’t stop now. Thank you for letting me encourage you, and thank you for encouraging me right back. I’ll be praying for you. ❤️
I went through a horrific divorce with children. But I trusted God through the whole process and though it wasn’t easy, He was faithful. I have never been so heartbroken yet so full of God’s presence and joy at the same time – it was surreal. God used grief, hurt and anger and transformed it into something much more – that He is a present rock in the midst of my circumstances. He says it’s not if we find trouble but when. Look to Him – our only Hope – and live the life He gives us in faith.
Jackie, thank you for this beautiful reminder of God’s faithfulness. ❤️ I love what you said about being both heartbroken and full of God’s presence at the same time. That perfectly describes so many seasons of healing. Our circumstances may shake us, but Christ truly is the Rock beneath our feet.
Thank you for sharing your testimony. I know someone reading these comments will find hope because of your words. May we both continue pointing people to the One who never leaves us. God bless you. ❤️
As I said in my comments in your post that I worry all the time and I realize I have to give all my thoughts, worries and sadness to the Lord and not take them back. I have had a very traumatic year. My younger sister was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. January 1. My heart is broken over that. On Easter my first husband, father of my children was driving to join us for Easter brunch when he had a stroke and drove off the freeway and was killed. Then my present husband of 45 years died one month later. Last week I had a stroke but by God’s grace got the injection in time to reverse all the effects and damage. I still trust the Lord and will dance again. God is good. We live in a broken world but Jesus overcame the world. I trust in God no matter the circumstances .
Beautifully said. Thank you
Phyllis, thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ I’m so grateful the post resonated with you. God has been so faithful through every season, and I’m thankful we get to encourage one another along the way. Blessings to you, friend! ❤️
I lost my husband in 1989 he was only 27 yrs and I was 29yrs are children were 15 months 6yrs 9 yrs old they don’t remember him not really I think it’s what I tell them about there dad they can remember any we all have never really moved on I still can’t let anyone in my heart I just to believe God looked after him when he went to work but the day he was taken is when I lost my faith
I wish I could be more like you you went through the same journey as myself but you can now learning to be happy I love that for you ❤️
but for me I’m 67 years old and still can really be happy 😢
Pauline, my heart just aches reading your story. ❤️ Losing your husband at such a young age while raising little ones is a burden few can truly understand. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.
I want you to know there is no “right” way to grieve. Our stories may look different, but that doesn’t make one more faithful than another. Please don’t compare your journey to mine. God has been so patient with me, and He’s just as patient with you.
One thing I hope you’ll hold onto is this: at 67, your story is still in His hands. Whether that means another relationship or simply a deeper peace and joy in Him, He is not finished with you. I’ll be praying that He fills your heart with His comfort and reminds you that you are deeply loved. Thank you for encouraging me, friend. ❤️
Impeccably written. 🙏
“He didn’t promise me answers. He promised me His presence!” 🙌
Just WOW. ❤️🩹
Thank you! 🥺😭
Tera, thank you so much. ❤️ That line is one God has been writing on my own heart through this journey. There have been so many questions I still don’t have answers to, but I’ve never doubted His presence. I’m so grateful it encouraged you too. Thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind comment.
Lori,
Your story has truly helped my heal from loosing my precious daughter shortly after your loss of your precious Q. She passed on June 7th 2024. She was only 35 and passed from a brain tumor that was inoperable~ I am better now, knowing that I must keep on living for her 3 precious children.
Thank you for sharing! It has meant A LOT to me and helping me through MY grief!!!!
I’m so very happy for you and your moving on to be happy in Love again!!! Just because we have lost someone, it doesn’t mean we stop living. We MUST keep going, as God has more plans for our lives!!!!
Joy!!!
Joy, my heart aches for you. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. 💔 There is no greater heartbreak than losing someone you love so dearly. Thank you for trusting me enough to share your story. It humbles me to know God has used my journey to bring you even a little hope. I truly believe our loved ones would want us to keep living the life we’ve been given, carrying their love with us while trusting God with what comes next. I’m praying that He continues to surround you with His peace and comfort in the days ahead. Sending you a big hug. ❤️🙏
Thank you for this inspirational blog. It left me in tears. Different circumstances but I felt your words. You are such a strong woman and I will continue you read your stuff to give myself hope in life.
Melissa, thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ Knowing that my story could speak hope into your own circumstances means more than I can express. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that God never wastes our pain.
Thank you for taking the time to read, to cry with me, and to encourage me. I’ll be praying that God continues to strengthen your heart and fill you with hope for whatever He has ahead. ❤️
I lost my husband in September 2025 to suicide after a long ugly battle with PTSD. I never imagined being a widow at 37. I have three daughters ages 10, 8, and almost 3 years old. I’m not sure what God is asking of me. I don’t know how to allow my heart to hope again. Thank you for sharing your heart Lori and how God is speaking to you. God spoke so loudly to me when my husband was ‘sick’ and the kids and I were not safe in our home. But since my husband died it’s been so hard to hear Him. I pray I can discern what God is asking of me again.
April,
My heart aches for you. Losing your husband to PTSD and suicide while raising three young daughters is more than most people can imagine carrying. I am so incredibly sorry.
One thing that stood out to me was when you said you don’t know how to allow your heart to hope again. I think that’s such an honest place to be. Sometimes after experiencing that level of pain, hope can feel far more vulnerable than grief.
Please don’t put pressure on yourself to figure out what God is asking of you right now. Sometimes His invitation is simply to take the next step, the next breath, and trust that He will reveal tomorrow when tomorrow comes.
I will be praying for you, your daughters, and for God to gently restore your ability to hear His voice again. He has not left you, even in the silence.
Sending you a hug. ❤️
— Lori
I love this! My husband passed unexpectedly on February 27, 2025. I will never be the same but I will choose healing and I will become someone new. Thank you for sharing. I found you shortly after my husband passed and have been following you ever since. I can relate to so many of your feelings that you share. It’s a day by day and sometimes moment by moment. I don’t want grief to define me. I want to radiate His love and help other people too. May God be the glory! May He continue to use you!
Kim,
First, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. February feels like yesterday, and I know those early months can feel like you’re simply learning how to survive one day at a time.
What stood out to me most was when you said, “I will choose healing and I will become someone new.” That is such a powerful statement. Not because grief changes who we loved, but because grief changes us. We don’t become the same person again—we become someone who carries both the pain and the love forward.
I also love that you said you don’t want grief to define you. I think that’s exactly what I’ve been wrestling through myself. Grief is part of my story, but it is not the whole story.
Thank you for walking alongside me on this journey and for sharing your heart. May God continue to strengthen you day by day and reveal His purpose in this next chapter.
All glory to Him. ❤️
— Lori
Thank you Lori. This blog helped me have a new perspective. April 7, 2025 was the end of my world. But now I see that that’s what the enemy wants for me. I don’t know what my new normal and the new me will look like, but i know God has a plan for me. He’s not finished with me yet. He doesn’t want me to be sad and grieve forever. That’s what Satan wants. And I’ve let him have his way for too long. I will totally surrender to God’s Will and allow joy back in.
Karen, your words gave me chills. ❤️ The fact that you can say, “I will surrender to God’s will and allow joy back in,” tells me He is already doing a beautiful work in your heart. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but every step of surrender is a step toward hope. I’ll be praying that God continues to reveal His purpose for your life one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.
Hello, thank you for sharing all you are going through the last two years. my husband passed May 8, 2025 he had a bad fall in 2022.
. he lived 2 1/2 years longer.
I had been following you before Q passed.Your sharing all the things have guided me, kept me going. My heart is shining with hope and the tears are falling from the words you spoke today. Thank you!
Marilyn, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. ❤️ My heart breaks for your loss. Losing your husband after walking through years of uncertainty and caregiving is such a difficult journey, and I know there are no words that truly make it easier.
It means more than you know to hear that my sharing has encouraged you during this season. There were many days I wasn’t sure my words would help anyone, but comments like yours remind me that God can use our pain to bring hope to someone else.
Thank you for taking the time to leave this message. I’m praying that as you continue to walk through your grief, you’ll keep finding strength, hope, and little glimpses of joy along the way. You are not alone. ❤️🙏
Lori, this is so good. And so true! What a life changing perspective. Thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable.
Michelle, thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️ This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever written because there are so many emotions wrapped up in that decision. If sharing my journey helps even one person feel seen, then it’s worth being vulnerable. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me and for walking alongside me in this community. It truly means more than you know. ❤️
So good. Proud of you❤️
Thank you sweet girl!
Wow!
I am a amazed at what you have written so beautifully through experience and by the grace of God
God is calling me to joy and to keep writing in the grief! Thank you!
A beloved sister
Jennifer, thank you so much for this encouragement. ❤️ Your words truly touched my heart. If there is one thing I’ve learned through grief, it’s that God can bring beauty from places we never wanted to walk through. I’m so grateful that He used this post to speak to you.
Keep writing, sweet friend. Your story matters. Your pain is not wasted, and neither is your testimony. May God continue to call you forward into joy while holding space for your grief. Both can exist at the same time. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. 🙏❤️
I am 16 months into losing my husband, he took his own life. the 1st year, a total blur, this year so far has rocked me. everyone thinks I’m so strong, but that’s just the show I put on. without God I wouldn’t be standing, it was his strength, it was him carrying me when I couldn’t even walk. The last month has been the hardest for some reason, I cry and cry. I pray, I question, I’m angry, I’m so hurt and sad. And I’m afraid of it all, I don’t want to turn into the season I’m in right now. I try not to live in the past and not worry about the future and be present but it is so hard. my whole heart is back there, and I don’t know my future, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I actually thought I was doing well and handling this, but I’ve been knocked down this past month and unable to get back up. Thank you for your blog, your words helped. I just have to keep praying and surrendering, All things are possible through God.
Shannon, my heart hurts for you. ❤️ First, I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband. Sixteen months is still so early, even though the world often expects us to be “better” by now.
One thing I’ve learned is that grief isn’t linear. Sometimes the second year can feel even harder because the shock has worn off and the reality settles in deeper. What you’re feeling doesn’t mean you’re moving backward or failing at healing. It means you loved deeply.
I can relate to so much of what you shared—the questions, the anger, the sadness, the fear of what the future holds, and even wondering who you are now. Loss changes us. The woman I was before losing Q is not the same woman I am today.
Be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. Just keep doing exactly what you said—praying, surrendering, and taking the next step God places in front of you. He is carrying you, even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it.
Thank you for trusting me with your story. I’m praying for you tonight. ❤️🙏
Beautiful Lori and for helping so many that get it, I have completely watched your journey from the beginning and understood every part of it ❤️ you are such an inspiration to so many, we adore and Love you and your family for reals XOXO Love from Laurie
Laurie, you’ve been with me from the very beginning, and I can’t thank you enough. ❤️ Knowing you’ve walked beside me through every chapter—from the joy, to the heartbreak, and now into this new season—means more than you’ll ever know.
Thank you for loving not just me, but my children too. Your encouragement has been a gift through some of the hardest days of my life. I’m so grateful for you, and I’m praying God blesses you abundantly. Sending love right back to you! ❤️