I didnโt know how to measure this year until I realized it wasnโt meant to be measured in accomplishments.
Itโs been a full year without you, Q.
A year of firsts we never asked for.
A year of milestones we imagined celebrating together.
A year of grief that changed everythingโand yet somehow revealed just how deeply rooted our family really is.
This year wasnโt about โmoving on.โ
It was about putting one foot in front of the other, even when the ground beneath us felt unfamiliar.
It was about learning how to live again while carrying the weight of missing you in every single moment.
Navigating the Holidays Without You
The holidays were brutal.
Thereโs no softer word for it.
Christmas without you was terrible and different in ways I canโt fully explain. We are still going to Christmas Eve service and having your mom and Missy over but it is just not the same without you. The traditions were still there, but the joy felt muted. The laughter came slower. Your absence sat at the table with us, uninvited but unavoidable.
And yetโwe showed up.
We wrapped gifts. We cooked meals and also got take out- which wasn't the norm but we did what we had to do. We honored memories. We cried when we needed to. We laughed when we could. We learned that grief doesnโt cancel the seasonโit reshapes it.
We didnโt do it perfectly.
We did it faithfully.
One foot in front of the other.
Travel, Grief, and the Sweet Spot of Time
One thing this year made painfully clear is that this is a sweet spot of time with our kids. They are old enough to remember deeply and young enough to still want to be together.
So we traveled.
Our first trip to the beach without you was heartbreaking. Standing at the shoreline knowing you should have been thereโwatching the kids, teasing them, soaking it all inโwas a reminder that even joy can ache.
Most recently, we returned from Punta Cana, celebrating Ellaโs high school graduation. It was beautiful and bittersweet all at once. Grief doesnโt wait for milestones to passโit walks right beside them.
And yet, Iโm learning that making memories now matters more than ever. Big trips. Small trips. Everyday moments. These are the memories our kids will carry into adulthood.
Kale: Letting Go and Stepping Forward
Kale made a decision this year that cut deep.
He said goodbye to baseball.
Baseball held so many memories with you. Long nights at the field. Conversations in the car. Shared passion. Letting it go wasnโt just about a sportโit was about closing a chapter that carried your presence.
And yet, I know you would be so proud of him.
He chose to step into young adulthood with intention, courage, and maturity beyond his years. He came back home to attend school locally so we could navigate our first year of grief togetherโa decision rooted in love and family.
Then came another goodbye.
College.
Sending Kale to Grand Canyon University in Arizona was one of the hardest things my mama heart has ever done. Necessaryโbut gut-wrenching. We took that road trip together, just the two of us, from Kansas City to GCU. If you havenโt read it, I shared that sacred journey here: โCollege Move-In Road Trip: From Kansas City to GCU.โ
That drive was full of conversations, tears, laughter, silence, and prayers. A space where grief and hope coexisted mile after mile.
Kale loves it there. So much so that heโs staying this summer for the extended program tied to his business degree. I know you would be so proud of the man he is becoming.
Ella: A Season of Courage and Calling
Ella's Senior prom happened just weeks after you passed, and walking through that season without you was unbearably hard.
Ellaโs senior year unfolded in the shadow of loss.
She landed the lead role of The Bakerโs Wife in Into the Woodsโa role you would have absolutely loved watching her perform.
Ella WINs Homecoming Queen! Wow what an evening to remember. It hurt to not have you there, but the boys did a great job escorting her down the football field.
Graduation came and went without her biggest cheerleader in the stands. That milestone hurt deeply.
And yetโElla keeps rising.
She made the brave decision to pursue entrepreneurship instead of the traditional college route, a choice I explored more deeply in โWhy College Isnโt for Everyone (and Thatโs Okay).โ She stepped into working alongside me, helping build and grow the Crazy Busy Mama mission as a true family business.
If you could see her nowโrocking her Crazy Busy Mama merch line, creating, building, dreamingโI know you would be beaming. Our mission, โReclaiming the Table and Building a Life That Matters,โ continues, even if it looks different than we imagined.
Fisher: Strength, Grit, and Legacy
Fisher has grown into a young man this year.
He got his driverโs license just one month after you passedโand not just passed, but crushed it. He parallel parked like a champ, first try. I could hear your proud banter echoing in that moment.
Heโs channeled his grief into strengthโliterally. Fitness has become his outlet, his discipline, his therapy. He hit 200 pounds of nearly pure muscle, and I can still hear your running joke: โNot a real man until you hit 200.โ & HE DID IT!
The night you passed, he was excited to tell you he benched 275. You encouraged him in that playful way of yoursโโwork on those puny biceps.โ Today, his bench PR is 340, and he still says he wishes you could see him now.
Heโs also stepped into responsibility. Entering his junior year of high school, heโs pouring himself into Conway Family Properties, learning the business you built. He can back a trailer, manage finances, and has built an impressive savings cushion heโs incredibly proud of.
“Get After It” his shirt says it all… what you used to say to our kids in all they do!
Heโs become the fixer in our house. The muscles. The one who shows up without being asked.
You would be so proud how he has stepped up and is making a decision to honor your name and legacy.
Lily: Strength, Discipline, and Determination
Lilyโyour baby girlโhas been so brave.
Sheโs trying to smile through the pain, and it hasnโt been easy. Sheโs been working out alongside Fisher, following your old gym routineโthe famous โ20-20-20.โ They still reference it constantly. That probably deserves a blog post of its own. It is adorable to watch, and inspiring too!
Sheโs focused on health, strength, and discipline, losing over 50 pounds and becoming nearly unrecognizable physicallyโbut what amazes me most is her inner growth.
She tried out for cheer just one month after you passed and made the squad. Then she worked all summer, made varsity, and placed top 10 her very first eligible year.
Sheโs mastered her aerial, double back handspring, and is so close to her round-off hand tuckโshe just needs a little more confidence. She even got to cheer at the State Game this year and the Bulldogs brought home the Championship. You would have been so excited.
Fisher and Lily went to their first homecoming together.
And nowโour baby will be driving this spring.
Life feels like itโs flying by without you here. I never imagined navigating these milestones alone.
Healing Companions: Our Grief Pets
We also added two new fur babies to our family.
Apollo, a Ragdoll cat for Lily, and Max, a Shih Tzu for Kale. I shared more about them in โGrief Ragdoll Catโ and โGrief Dog Max.โ Max was adopted while Kale was still home, and now Ella and I are babysitting him while Kale is at GCU.
Can you believe we have four animals now? I can just hear you laughing now.
Itโs chaotic. Itโs loud. Itโs healing.
Especially Luluโyour squirrel-hunting partnerโwhoโs been noticeably depressed since you passed. Max has become a sweet companion for her. Even animals grieve.
Where I Am Now
As for meโI feel stuck sometimes.
When I look back, itโs hard to quantify what Iโve accomplished. But the Lord has been faithful. Heโs allowed me to work from my pajamas, provide for our family, and continue walking in purpose even when I feel unsure.
This year also brought another heavy trialโmy momโs ovarian cancer diagnosis. Surgery. Treatments. A recurrence. And yet she remains remarkably positive, continuing the fight.
We changed churches, seeking community in this new season. Weโre not exactly where we want to be yet, but weโre trusting God to guide us and call us forward when the time is right.
Never Alone, Even in Widowhood
Through our friend Brooke, I connected with Rachel Faulkner Brown, founder of Never Alone Widows. I had no idea how great the need was. Rachel turned unimaginable lossโbeing widowed twice before 30โinto a ministry that supports widows in real, tangible ways.
I attended a widows conference in Dallasโover 400 young widows. Overwhelming. Painful. Necessary. Then came a smaller retreat in Alabama with just 20 women, which I wrote about in โHere I Go Again on My Own.โ That space became a launching pad for healing.
I also got a memorial tattoo in your handwritingโsomething I shared in โWhy I Got a Memorial Tattoo After My Husband Died.โ A piece of you I carry forever.
Carrying the Mission Forward
This year, Iโve learned the behind-the-scenes work of Crazy Busy Mamaโthe things you always handled. Iโm carrying forward our shared mission, even when it feels heavy.
Learning to hire help. Trust the process. Wear all the hats. Fail forward.
Itโs no coincidence we named our podcast โFailing Our Way Forward.โ That first episode still echoes today, and maybeโjust maybeโweโll pick it back up in 2026.
I often joked that I handled the baby years while youโd handle the teen and young adult years. Oh, how unqualified I feel nowโbut here I am. Ready or not.
Looking Toward 2026
As we look toward 2026, Iโm learning what to lean into and what to let go. Trusting God to prune where needed so fruit can grow.
Iโm constantly reminded of your wordsโDonโt Quitโwhich I shared in โDonโt Quit: A Heartfelt Reminder from This Crazy Busy Mama.โ You wrote those words years ago while we were dating. God knew Iโd need them now.
Another reminder came through โAre You Too Broken? Find Hope in Thisโฆโโyet another moment where God showed His faithfulness through your voice long after you were gone.
A Year Marked by Grace
This year broke usโand held us.
God has been so faithful. If only we slow down enough to notice.
We miss you every day, Q.
And we carry you with usโin every milestone, every memory, every step forward.
A full year without you.
Still standing.
Still trusting.
Still proclaiming Godโs goodnessโeven when we least feel it.
If youโre reading this and nodding along, I want you to knowโyou donโt have to carry your story alone.
Grief looks different for every family, and thereโs no right or wrong way to walk through it. If you feel comfortable, Iโd love for you to share in the comments.
What has this year held for you? What milestones felt heavier than you expected, or what moments surprised you with hope?
Whether youโre grieving a spouse, a parent, a dream, or simply navigating a hard season, your story matters here. This space was never meant to be polishedโit was meant to be honest, supportive, and real.
Letโs remind each other that even in loss, we are not alone.
I lost my husband and best friend on August 15. It was our granddaughterโs 7th birthday. He was mowing his sisterโs property and then they couldnโt find him. They called me asking if I had heard from him, but I hadnโt for a couple hours. I didnโt think much about it. He was always around somewhere, helping someone. Then they called me again. He was unresponsive. I knew he was gone, but they tried to give me hope. I donโt remember what we talked about that morning or why he called me. He called one of us every single time he drove somewhere. That morning, he had spoken to all four of us. We live in a very small community and Mark was loved by everyone. It helps me knowing that they are grieving, too. The holidays were hard to say the least. They werenโt fun joyful or happy. They were just another day with the biggest personality missing. I didnโt put up a treeโฆwell, I did, but then my daughterโs cat couldnโt handle it and I was tired of yelling at her to stay out of it. There was no joy in having the tree up, so I took it down. I did miss it a little by the time Christmas came, but I didnโt care enough to make it work. Our granddaughter was born with a rare muscular dystrophy and then developed autism. Sheโs nonverbal. She doesnโt care about presents or Christmas either. I think if she cared and got excited about such things, it would help and be something to look forward to. A month and a half after Mark died, our daughterโs fiancรฉ cheated on her. Her wedding would have been exactly 3 months after Markโs passing. My 1st real test of how the hell do I handle this situation without you happened that night. I was scared for her safety. I drove to their house late one night to help her pack. He kept coming back and I was afraid for her. We packed all night and her 2 brothers came the next morning and we moved her home. Her stuff is in my garage. Sheโs my roommate right now. Itโs hard to be single in todayโs world. I have no idea how long sheโll be with me. My daughter and I have a best friend relationship, but I miss being alone. I was only alone for about a month and a half. My kids are all adults, thank goodness. I miss discussing life with Mark. I miss laughing with him. It wasnโt supposed to be like this. We werenโt done yet. We were going to start traveling in 2026. We had already started, but we were going to just go to all the places. Iโm not very brave without him, but Iโm trying to be. He took care of me. He took care of everyone.
Thanks for letting me talk.
Thank you for trusting me with all of this. What you walked throughโhow suddenly he was gone, on a day meant to be joyful, after a life spent taking care of everyoneโnone of that is fair. Losing someone with such a big presence leaves a silence thatโs impossible to fill.
Everything you described makes sense. The holidays not feeling like holidays. Taking the tree down because there was no joy in forcing it. Having to step into hard moments for your kids without the person you always leaned on. Missing the conversations, the laughter, the future plans that were already taking shape. It wasnโt supposed to be like this.
Youโre doing something incredibly brave even if it doesnโt feel like itโshowing up for your children, opening your home, and taking life one uncertain step at a time without the one who always carried so much of the weight. That matters.
Thank you for sharing your heart here. Youโre not alone in this space, even when it feels unbearably quiet. ๐ค
My goodness itโs so neat to see all of your kids uniquely lean into their strengths, passions & bravery! You, my friend, have so much to be proud of for accomplishing as well! You continue to master new uncharted territory all while raising your family & learning how to handle the loss of your Q! Iโm so proud of you always! Much love
Love you so much sweet friend <3 Thank you for always being there and for your constant encouragement throughout.
*I put this on your Facebook post as well. ๐
One moment this year that hit harder than I expected: The completed remodel of my home, and a trip with my kids didn’t bring an overall sense of excitement or happiness, just more goodbyes and tears. Emotions blunted by a year of shock didn’t return to me as my old happy self. It’s hard to be happy no matter where I am, because grief is inside me. There is no escape from it on this planet Earth: wherever I go, there it is. My home that I remodeled to sell (eventually) is nice, but it doesn’t look like my home anymore. Nothing is the same. All the projects that I finished, that we started together, don’t give the satisfaction of a job well done, just a job ended, like our life together. The tying up of loose strings before something else starts. But I have no idea yet what it will be or where I will go. I live in the in-between, which is hard and miserable. I keep going for my kids, walking in the dark valley with God, doing what He puts in front of me, and missing my beloved who left not just a hole in my heart, but my soul ripped in half. Lori, I read in one of the many grief books I’ve been given that after shock comes the next big step: unraveling. We are unraveling our lives connected to our husbands’ lives – the unwinding of souls. We’ll end up with who we are “spaghettified” on the floor, like we went through a black hole. Eventually, God will take it all and begin to knit something new, using some of the old and some things new. We won’t be the same people, but we’ll be moving forward. I saw it with my grandmothers but had no idea what they had experienced. One used to say, “It’s just part of life, Teresa.” It’s part of life no one looks at or talks about until you have no choice, then it hits you like a freight train. Grandma lived through it, and so will I. One thing that surprised me was that I could end up being happy for him up in heaven, without tears or sorrow or pain. I’m not happy for me, but I am glad he is there where I will be someday. P.S. Lori, our kids go to college together at GCU. โค My son is a senior this year, fighting his way through grief for the past 20 months. He was the only one home when my husband passed, and then he left 2 days later to try and pass his finals. It’s been a brutal time in life, but he has grasped God on his own because of it. Much love to you, my friend whom I’ve never met. ๐
Thank you for taking the time to comment here on my blog too, means so much! The unraveling I am starting to feel…wow! Such an encouragement to know that I am not alone. Although, I will never understand why our kids have to endure this kind of pain, I Love that we have that GCU connection- total GOD! Praying while God knits something new for your story, you will feel the uprising of Him birthing something new for YOU and your sweet family. Much love and prayers to you too my new friend. <3
It has been one year and one week since I lost my husband, my partner in love for 38 years and reading your story gives me hope for me and my kids that we can stay strong and keep moving forward. Most of the time it feels like I have been living a life that’s not mine and I’m just going through the motions and trying to keep busy to avoid dealing with reality.It definitely helps to know that I am not the only one who feels this way, and you and your family’s story over the past year is so encouraging and motivating. Thank you for sharing itโค๏ธ
Thank you for sharing this. After thirty-eight years together, feeling like life doesnโt quite belong to you anymore makes so much sense. Going through the motions is often how we survive seasons like this.
Iโm grateful our story gave you some hope for you and your kids. Knowing youโre not alone can matter more than answers some days. Thank you for being here and for your kind words. ๐ค
One moment this year that hit harder than I expected: The completed remodel of my home, and a trip with my kids didn’t bring an overall sense of excitement or happiness, just more goodbyes and tears. Emotions blunted by a year of shock didn’t return to me as my old happy self. It’s hard to be happy no matter where I am, because grief is inside me. There is no escape from it on this planet Earth: wherever I go, there it is. My home that I remodeled to sell (eventually) is nice, but it doesn’t look like my home anymore. Nothing is the same. All the projects that I finished, that we started together, don’t give the satisfaction of a job well done, just a job ended, like our life together. The tying up of loose strings before something else starts. But I have no idea yet what it will be or where I will go. I live in the in-between, which is hard and miserable. I keep going for my kids, walking in the dark valley with God, doing what He puts in front of me, and missing my beloved who left not just a hole in my heart, but my soul ripped in half. Lori, I read in one of the many grief books I’ve been given that after shock comes the next big step: unraveling. We are unraveling our lives connected to our husbands’ lives – the unwinding of souls. We’ll end up with who we are “spaghettified” on the floor, like we went through a black hole. Eventually, God will take it all and begin to knit something new, using some of the old and some things new. We won’t be the same people, but we’ll be moving forward. I saw it with my grandmothers but had no idea what they had experienced. One used to say, “It’s just part of life, Teresa.” It’s part of life no one looks at or talks about until you have no choice, then it hits you like a freight train. Grandma lived through it, and so will I. One thing that surprised me was that I could end up being happy for him up in heaven, without tears or sorrow or pain. I’m not happy for me, but I am glad he is there where I will be someday. P.S. Lori, our kids go to college together at GCU. โค My son is a senior this year, fighting his way through grief for the past 20 months. He was the only one home when my husband passed, and then he left 2 days later to try and pass his finals. It’s been a brutal time in life, but he has grasped God on his own because of it. Much love to you, my friend whom I’ve never met. ๐
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you describedโthe finished projects, the trips, the remodelโfeeling more like endings than joyโฆ that is such a real part of grief. Living in the in-between, carrying it everywhere you go, trying to keep moving while your soul feels split in twoโฆ I hear all of that.
What you wrote about unraveling is powerful and true. This unwinding is painful and disorienting, but it doesnโt mean itโs the end of the story. Continuing to walk forward for your kids, even in the dark valley, matters more than you know.
My heart especially goes out to your son. What heโs carried at such a young age is heavy, and the way you described his faith growing through it is a testament to God meeting him right where he is.
Thank you for trusting me with this and for walking alongside us. You are not alone in this space. ๐ค
Raw feelings are hard to convey in written words, but you have put your feelings, dreams and insecurities out there to share with others. Each year will be different. After 11 years I still from time to time think I have to tell my husband about something that happened. My daughter and grandson are my family center now, but God is central in my life. Without Him I would not have survived. Love you and your family.
Journaling for me has been so helpful! <3 11 years and you still want to pick up the phone.. that is LOVE <3 God is good and watching over you & I agree I would not have survived without him either. Thank you for your encouragement. Much love to you and yours!
Lori,
I often read all your posts when closing my day out. I took unfortunately are part of that group we didn’t ask for membership to. I lost the Love of my Life 4 years ago 8.21.21. This had been the hardest journey I’ve ever been on, but somehow the a adage, One foot in front of the other, One moment at a time stays stuck in my head each day that I have to navigate it alone. I know God has other plans for me and I wait patiently for those blueprints to arrive lol. Thank you for sharing your and your childrens rawness, you’re helping many and you probably don’t even realize it! Thank you for showing up and walking through your grief with us. I pray your family receives healing and continues making beautiful memories! Happy New Year!
Thank you for sharing this. Being part of a group none of us asked to join is such an accurate way to say it. Four years in, still taking it one foot in front of the other, one moment at a timeโthatโs real strength.
I appreciate your kindness and your prayers more than you know. Knowing that showing up honestly helps others makes this walk feel less lonely. Thank you for walking alongside us and for the encouragement as we step into a new year. ๐ค
God bless you and your kiddos. My daughter passed almost 11 years ago on 02/05/2015. She would have been 53 today 12/29/25. I still miss her everyday. Like youโve said grief is something we never get over we just get through it. Love & prayers!
Lori, I have followed you before Q died and I have now followed you every day since Q died.. I have cried with youโฆI have felt so very bad for youโฆ and then I have watched as all of you struggled with the weight of grief. See, I understand grief..my husband and I have lived with overwhelming grief for 11 years now. In 2014, we lost our 36 year old daughter. She had been very chronically Iโll for 21 years. So, unlike you and your Q, we would not want Jeannie to be back here suffering anymore the way she did. But, it doesnโt make the grief any easier.. it is not lighter to carry. In fact, our grief doubled in 2018 when our one remaining daughter ghosted us. No real explanationsโฆ just stopped talking to us. She has been Married for 25 years, our only 2 grandchildren.. and now itโs all gone. Just the two of usโฆ yes, we know grief.. and it stinks.
Thank you for sharing this. What you and your husband have carried for so many years is an unimaginable weight. Losing a child, even when you know sheโs no longer suffering, doesnโt make the grief lighterโand then to lose relationship with your remaining daughter and grandchildren adds another deep layer of loss.
Youโre rightโฆ grief is grief, and it stinks. Thereโs no comparing it or explaining it away. Iโm grateful you shared your story here and trusted me with something so painful. You are seen, and your grief matters. ๐ค
Lori,
Your honest and REAL reflections mean so much to me as I navigate life without my husband of 50 years (he passed 3 years ago). Our 46 year old son who has a disability lives with me. My concern is for my sonโs future after Iโm gone. Plans are not coming together the way Iโd hoped but God is faithful and will guide me to the answers. I truly believe that.
Know that Iโm praying often for you and your precious children and mama.
So sorry for your loss. So extremely difficult. Our heavenly father is exactly that… faithful! I can only imagine your concern my friend. But our heavenly Father has him. Praying for peace for you all.
I like you took a road trip with my child to drop her off at college. My daughter went to lmu in California, we live in Louisiana. She took a grief gap year, she calls it, to stay home and try to stabilize her footing before starting her next chapter. Our roadtrip was filled with laughter, tears and signs from my husband. Truly the trip was a gift for us both. It was 17 months on Christmas Day since we lost Mo and some days I wake up thinking that long business trip is going to end soon but then reality smacks me in the face. I know God has us but man grief is hard.
Lori, thank you for your unfiltered rawness. You have been an inspiration to me and so many widows. Iโve enjoyed your recipes, Amazon clothes & elderberry recommendations as well ๐
You are doing it all so beautifully. I havenโt lost my spouse but I have just lost both of my parents to cancer within 2 years of each other. My best friends in the world. Your words are
SO true and so inspiring. Thank you for putting it all out there. It helps to not feel so alone in my grief.
Thank you for sharing this. Losing both parents so close together is an immense griefโespecially when they were your best friends. Iโm grateful my words helped you feel a little less alone. Youโre not walking through this by yourself, even when it feels heavy. ๐ค
I cried reading through this. I lost my dad three years ago and Iโve watched my mom go through what you are going through (somewhat) and I know (somewhat) what your kids are going through. No oneโs grief is the same. Itโs crushing and so incredibly hard. Itโs lonely and sometimes you feel like no one understands. They truly canโt until they experience it. I haves lot of life left to live but I am looking forward to when are all together again. It feels wrong to be separated. Andโฆ. Now Iโm crying again. I pray for you often when I think about my dad. His memory inspires a lot of prayers for you and your kids. They are amazing. I follow along your journey and Ellaโs. I have shared your page with my mom and sheโs following along too. We just keep making the next right step!
Thank you for sharing this. Losing a dad leaves such a deep ache, and watching your mom walk through her grief adds another layer of pain. Youโre rightโgrief is lonely, and no one fully understands it until theyโve lived it.
Your prayers for my kids and me truly mean more than I can say. Knowing that your dadโs memory inspires those prayers is such a gift. Iโm honored you and your mom are here, taking those next right steps, one at a time. ๐ค
I too lost the love of my life, my heart, the person that has loved me unconditionally since I was 18 February 7, 2025 of V fib. He was not sick, we had the best day, had dinner with our adult kids, came home and he died within 15 minutes in our bedroom. He was literally looking at his phone, leaning against the headboard of our bed, and lost consciousness. The last thing he said was my name. My son and I did CPR until the paramedics arrived, everything was done to save his life yet he died. He worked out all the time, was so active. We had built a new home on two acres and had just had our one year anniversary of living there two weeks before he passed away.
We too have four children, although they are all adults now, the loss has been devastating. We have always been a very close family. Their Dad was their hero. He could build, and fix anything. He was an electrical engineer, but honestly could do anything. And he did. I have spent my entire life never worrying about anything failing and if it did, Joe was there to fix it. I would have an idea for our home and he would build it.
2025 was one day at a time. Honestly, I donโt remember some of the months. We all just tried to figure out how to keep going and be there for each other. I have so dreaded 2026. The first year that I will live in that Joe never will, but here I am. I focus on what I am grateful for, and the list is long. Iโm most grateful for the life this man and I shared together. That we were kids, and together we encouraged each other through all the ups and downs, to become the people we are today. I was loved unconditionally, I was lucky and I knew it.
I found you because I was grieving so hard. The pain is overwhelming at times, and I know you know because I see it when you talk about missing your husband and your life.
I am trying to learn how to be me in this new year. When Joe first died, I told everyone I donโt know how to be Janet without Joe. I have always been a strong woman, he just made it so much easier. My biggest cheerleader and my soft place to land, and because I still carry his love with me, I will figure it out and cry when I need to. ๐ค
Thank you for sharing this. The suddenness of losing him and the way your life changed in an ordinary moment is deeply traumatic. Learning how to be you without the us is one of the hardest parts of grief.
I love how youโre holding onto gratitude for the life and love you shared. Carrying his love with you as you learn who you are nowโand allowing yourself to cry when you need toโmatters more than you know. Youโre not alone in this. ๐ค
What was unexpected this year after losing my husband was just that; we thought since he beat cancer he was going to make it. My husband fought metastatic lung cancer that he got from serving in the Army three tours to Iraq and being exposed to harsh chemicals. He battled for two years and had just been cleared of all tumors and lymph nodes. The battle caused horrific side effects from his treatment: gastroparesis and paraneoplastic syndrome. After he had to be placed on a feeding tube for nutrition I made it my mission to find a natural treatment to save him, and I did. He stopped all traditional treatments and only used the natural supplements I researched for his cancer. We were so happy to find out after two years he was clear of everything, but it was too late. The damage was done. The gastroparesis was shutting down his GI system permanently and he was in so much pain. I couldnโt find a treatment to help him. It didnโt matter that he was cancer free; he was fading away. He rallied around our 27th anniversary and was discharged from the hospital for over a month. He was able to eat by mouth again. I thought the miracle we had prayed day and night for was answered. We enjoyed eating his favorites those few weeks. I got to see him smile and enjoy eating again. We went out for our oldest daughterโs birthday as a family of four again. It was a blessing. Then he got sick. Real sick. I watched him for days in agony completely waste away. He refused to go to the hospital, but after he was so weak and dehydrated he couldnโt respond anymore I made the decision to call 911. He had already told me he didnโt want to fight anymore so I had our Palliative doctor meet us and we went straight to her floor. I gathered all of our extended family to be with him in his last hours. He held on through the night until the next morning. They made him comfortable with pain medication because he had a bowel obstruction; another complication from his treatment that he had already been through before with emergency surgery. This time he chose to let God decide. I could tell he was holding on for us so I asked everyone to give us some time together. I held him in my arms and told him I have had the happiest time being married to him and raising our daughters and I love him and know he loves me. I told him I would take care of our girls and his parents; not to worry. I said, โ youโre a brave soldier but itโs time to retire. You fought hard, but itโs time to go be with God.โ He shed a tear and took his last breath.
So losing the love of my life was the most unexpected for me. We thought we had beat cancer and he was supposed to get better. God had a different plan and Iโm having a problem with that still. Iโm trying not to but I just donโt understand.
Love and prayers to all of you facing grief because it is unbearable.
Dana
Dana, thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and sacred. What you walked through with your husband is heartbreaking in a way few can fully graspโfighting so hard, believing healing had come, and then losing him anyway. That kind of unexpected loss shakes everything.
What you did for him was love in its purest form. The way you advocated for him, searched for answers, cherished those last weeks, and then held him as you gave him permission to restโthat is profound love and courage. Calling him a brave soldier and releasing him to God was an act of mercy, even though it cost you everything.
Itโs okay that you donโt understand Godโs plan right now. Many of us donโt. Wrestling with that doesnโt mean a lack of faithโit means the loss was enormous. Thank you for honoring your husbandโs story and for offering love and prayers to others while your own heart is still breaking.
You are seen here. ๐ค