If you landed here on this blog post, it’s probably because of my social media post HERE about the loss of my best friend, loving husband, and incredible father Quintin.
A bit of an update….( I had to update the LINK HERE because facebook took down the post because it was deemed “Self harm” and a “Cyber Security Threat”) UGH! The censoring on these social platforms is scary to say the least.
This is the most difficult post I have ever had to write. I am writing here on my blog, as I have more freedom in what I can share and say.
The last few weeks have been emotionally exhausting in so many ways from planning, writing eulogy’s to funeral service programs full of Q ism’s and helping my kids navigate their emotions when I don’t know how to properly navigate my own. Grief is so tricky. Grief feels like when all you want to do is go Home but you can’t. The deepest ache in your soul of that forever missing piece is hard to put into words. I will have been married to Quintin 25 years this May 29th, and have been together with him for what would have been 31 incredible years. I have known him as a friend since I was 8 years old, and I have never had to do life without this amazing man.
Sharing the details surrounding his sudden death, brings a realness to him being gone that is so incredibly painful. If I am being completely honest, I am still trying to digest everything and I am battling with the denial of him being gone as my reality. Death alone is hard to comprehend and sudden deaths are even more difficult to understand. We are struggling to pickup all the pieces of that day, but through it all God is unchanging and remains faithful.
Even though I am a public person, my kids deserve their privacy and there are areas in my life where I deserve privacy too. I am a fixer and hope giver, so when I share publicly on my platform I want to offer solutions and hope even through my despair.
Often, my desire is to wait for healing before sharing, but the longer I grieve the realization hits I will never be over him or completely healed. I have struggled sharing for many reasons privacy and deep sorrow as mentioned above but also to protect myself and my children from the onslaught of unwanted opinions and negativity. Don’t get me wrong, we have had countless positive messages of encouragement and for those I am so incredibly grateful. However, those negative direct messages and comments seem to cut to the core. The messages that tell me to “get it together already”, “We all already know he is dead stop talking about him and focus on my children” , “Its about time you shut down your social media to mourn stop seeking attention by constantly posting about your dead husband”; to more evil comments and messages assuming details surrounding his death and saying that clearly it was a DIY “using a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” that serving me divorce papers would have been more sufficient. UGH! Horrific right? Reading this not only makes me sick, it is devastating as a mother to see your kids read these too. I will never understand why people think they can spew this sort of evil, but I can hear Q say “Hurt people, hurt people” and this Q'sim although not ok, is very true.
I believe in my healing and despair if I step out into the unknown and have faith, God will meet me there and not only heal me in my brokenness but help to teach others in their brokenness and heal them too.
I don’t have it together not sure I ever will … but here I am offering what I have in my time of brokenness in hopes it will help someone in their darkest hour not to feel so alone.
April 9th will be Forever Etched in my Memory as Day of Lasts.
The last day I would hear your voice
The last day I would feel your touch or embrace
The last day I would kiss your lips
The last day I would hear your laughter
The last day I would hear you encourage our children
The last day I would ever see you with my earthly eyes
I mean how could this be? Just the day before we were enjoying the eclipse together and laughing about Lulu (our squirrel hunting dog- if you were fortunate to catch the behind the scenes stories of Q and Lulu you can appreciate this comment- they were a riot together) wearing her safety glasses
April 9th was a Tuesday- for those who don’t know Tuesdays were date days for Quintin and I. We spent our mornings together enjoying coffee and most of the time breakfast, before the business of our day got started. These date days got started in order to spend intentional time together providing a bit of a reprieve from the hustle and bustle of being parents to four amazing active kiddos. We were intentional about carving out time just for the two of us, and made it a point to schedule in our time together and prioritized it over the business of life.
This Tuesday was like any other Tuesday. Alarm went off at 6:15 got our kids off to school (minus one who was away at college) and while I was showering and getting ready Q joked and talked to a good friend on the phone before we left , Pacing in true Q fashion. If you know Quintin, you know the man literally never sat down much less was he able to be still. His constant motion is something I will greatly miss. Spring was in the air and the sun was out – it was going to be a good day.
We enjoyed our time together at a local Cracker Barrel -sipping coffee (decaf for him of course) and talking about what the summer would be like having Kale home again, college visits for Ella, Fisher being so focused on crushing PR’s in track and how if Lily only knew how much potential she has how she would crush whatever she set her mind to.
After a good conversation, we went our separate ways. I would have normally snapped a quick selfie to remind others how important date days were and how fighting for your marriage in today’s society was so important, but on this particular day it didn’t even cross our mind. Oh how I wish we would have taken one… but I will chock this up to being in the moment with my sweet husband.
Later that afternoon, we met at the house to go to Lily’s track meet together to see her potential in action. He threw me the keys and asked me to drive because he had started not feeling well that day.
He had been having some back issues and indigestion which was unfortunately a common occurrence for him. He had recently been having esophageal spasms and was struggling with managing them. If you have ever had them you know how incredibly painful they are it was hard to watch him go through that.
We brought two chairs (he never sits in a chair- remember Q likes to pace) to watch Lily throw at invitationals and bring home first place on both events. Q was so proud of his little girl! He even posted about it on facebook, little did he know it happened to be his last social media post. He was such a great dad always being there to support, coach and cheer them on no matter the circumstance.
We truly had an amazing day in so many ways.
We decided to do Tacos at a local Mexican restaurant that evening and Quintin made the last minute decision to stay home. When we got home, Quintin had made grilled chicken for the week for Fisher to make sure his boy got his protein in. Even when he didn’t feel great he was always thinking and serving others, this speaks true to who Q was.
Some knew and many didn't, but Quintin struggled with long covid. It is not something he was public about for a multitude of reasons but even typing the word covid you will get flagged and meta will eventually ban your account, thus the reason for my blog post instead of a social media post. He had a difficult Covid spell in 2020 that landed him in the ER with heart rates of over 200 and that was the beginning of it all. His heart arrhythmias had started at Covid and increased sporadically over time. After extensive cardiac testing and cardiovascular appointments with multiple cardiologists – including an Electrophysiologist everyone was at a loss. His heart was healthy and strong but his electrical system seemed to be erratically broken. They called it idiopathic arrhythmias with no apparent structural heart defects or disease. In short, these arrhythmias had no identifiable cause therefore there was no identifiable solution. If only they could identity a trigger and localize the arrhythmia then they might could do something about it. They tried several different methods that didn't result in success.
Quintin was a 43 year old who suffered from a multitude of abnormal heart arrhythmias that they could not pin point. There was no pattern to them, nothing they could find that triggered them and the doctors reassured him they would not be fatal. These excitable abnormal arrhythmias were undoubtedly triggered by Covid. As I am sure you could imagine, this was followed with lots of confusion and frustration on our end. Puzzled doctors encouraged him to go to the Mayo Clinic so he didn't spare any time submitting his medical records and applying to the Mayo Clinic specifically with the Heart Rhythm Service Cardiovascular unit, two times to only be denied twice. Mayos response was “they only extend appointments to those patients who we truly think we can help and make a difference” … read that again, crazy right?
We were frustrated to say the least, however we trusted what the EP doctors had said and his arrhythmias would not be fatal. Debilitating at times yes, but would not be fatal. This was repeated to us from multiple doctors.
On the evening of April 9th,
On the evening of April 9th, laying next to me in bed watching Netflix he became unconscious. He had just gotten up less than ten minutes prior to get a drink of water. Just a few feet away, no noise leading up to the event, nothing out of the norm, just a relaxing evening at home, no signs of distress no nothing at all. I happened to look over to see him and that is when I realized something was not right. I was in complete and utter shock! I immediately yelled out for help, started trying to shake him to try to wake him up and then realized there was a bigger issue and started CPR right away. My sweet daughter ran downstairs to our room and immediately helped me by calling 911 and the two of us administered CPR for 9 minutes while my younger two children stood outside the door weeping. 9 minutes later the EMT arrived to take over our efforts.
The next 30 minutes, was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I screamed out in agony and immediately dropped to my knees there my sweet children hugged me and started to pray out loud for their dad. To witness my children in such despair is indescribable yet the strength and faith they had in their brokenness was so admirable. All of us felt so helpless.
In the next moments, we began to witness the absolute disbelief of our new unwanted reality unfolding in front of our very eyes. After 30 minutes of working to resuscitate my sweet husband and their father, the medical examiner and team said there was nothing they could do. We were in absolute shock and disbelief so many emotions flooded in. How could this be possible? As we went in to say our goodbyes it was like time stood still. I fell to my knees over his body and cried out to God and thanked him for the time He had given us with Quintin as my best friend and husband, truly the most amazing father and ultimately thankful for sending His son Jesus to the cross to die and raise again so that we will be able to see Quintin again. I realized that although his physical body was present, Quintin was no longer there. The father of my children, my protector had gone to be with his Heavenly Father where he was completely at peace. I was so broken, hurt, angry and so many emotions flooded however for some unknown reason all I could outwardly verbalize in that moment was gratitude. Thanking God for the time with Quintin and him choosing me to be his wife and mother of his children.
We had so many assumptions about the events that took place that evening but so many unanswered questions remained.
We got the official word that Quintin passed from sudden cardiac arrest. This is not a heart attack, sudden cardiac arrest is different than a heart attack. His heart was healthy in all ways, this was an electrical issue with his heart called ventricular fibrillation. This is a life threatening situation that results in a rapid inadequate heart beat. He was in ventricular fibrillation for 37 seconds and the only thing that could have potentially changed the outcome was an automated external defibrillator to be used immediately. And even with that there is a very slim chance of survival. Ventricular fibrillation is a rare occurrence and causes immediate loss of consciousness and no pulse. His sudden cardiac arrest was a result from long covid and had nothing to do with his lifestyle. He was very active with our kids, worked out with our boys and health conscious with his lifestyle decisions even drank decaf coffee. Covid messed up his electrical system and would debilitate him at times and unfortunately ultimately took his life. We are crushed and devastated and still have so many lingering questions. HOW? WHY? At 46, he had so much more to do in life. He was so young to have his life cut short.
I have been waiting to share until I had all the details of that night straightened out. I look back on that day and ask myself “what if” all day long … I truly have beat myself up and so have all of my children. From my sweet daughter who helped administer CPR to the younger two standing outside the room feeling helpless as they witnessed it all, to my son driving home from college wishing he could have been here to save his dad. We are all struggling. The fact is that we all did what we could and nothing that we could have done or didn’t do could have changed the outcome. Now it’s getting our head thoughts to connect with our hearts, truly the hardest part. My kids are all struggling so much in so many areas right now. Frankly, we all are. We all need your prayers, but my children especially.
I believe all of the night events leading up to the fatal event that happened that night were all unrelated. The doctors have even indicated this as well. These are questions I will never fully have answers to and that is a hard pill to swallow. I struggle with all of these unanswered questions each and every day. Then I am reminded that I get to choose where to spend my energy. I can choose to spend it on all the questions that will always remain unanswered, or I can choose to spend the little energy I have on loving on my children reminding them how much their father loved them and how they absolutely had no control over the outcome of this entire situation. How God had a plan for our lives and reassuring them He still does. God didn’t cause this to happen, however He will sustain us, walk with us and carry us when we need Him through it all. We are choosing to walk by faith and not by sight, because if I am being completely honest none of this makes any sense it wasn’t suppose to be this way yet here we are, this is our journey.
As day light broke the following morning, I could hear the birds chirping and the tree in my view full bloom as if it bloomed overnight. I had not gotten a wink of sleep and while sitting on the couch I happened to look over to see this in our hallway (pictured below)- you see he hung his hat that he wore on the 9th on a cross (He has never hung his hat here- he always hangs his hat in the laundry room on hooks) His hat was hanging on a cross with 3 nails right under another cross that says “It is well with my soul” … Chills went through my body and I immediately broke down in tears as this was a “godwink” and a sign from Q if you will, that we can rest assure in that very promise!
So here is your reminder to live life to its absolute fullest! Live life BIG like Q did, share the love of Christ and what He has done for you and others on the cross, date your spouse, spend intentional time with your kids- cheering them on in their interests and being their safe place to fall, be a truth telling genuine friend, take the trip, take the pic – live life with NO regrets. Faith first and Family and Friends second.
I don’t want Q to be known for the day he died rather the days he lived so I have created and will continue to update periodically a section I created in honor of my late husband “Cooking with Q” HERE with his favorite recipes, his cooking, fun hacks and chock full of wisdom that we call Q’ism’s that he was best known for around our dinner table. May you and your sweet family reclaim the table with a quick and easy crazy busy mama meal and share a Q’ism in effort to be more intentional with your family time.
For this is not goodbye but see you soon Q. Although life with you has been cut short, your blessings permeate and legacy through our children will remain.
Appreciate your continued prayers for my family and especially my sweet kiddos.
For those of you who would like to watch Quintin's Funeral you can do so HERE
Much Love – CBM
UPDATE: 2/25 : The Lingering Question…
Lots of questions asking if Quintin had the Covid vaccine, so I thought I would answer here so facebook and instagram couldn't shut me down for talking about restricted topics. He did not. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding the vaccine (and rightfully so) I don’t want this to become a hot topic debate but we felt it was the best choice for our family to not take the vaccine. I believe people during this dark time of the pandemic really were trying to make the best decision for their family.
Covid is an ugly virus that I believe was created for death and destruction. Covid has proven to leave traces of MRNA to change the body just like the vaccine. Some people never fully recover from this horrific planted virus and many others are suffering from vaccine injuries that will ever be recorded.
All of it is a mind mess to say the least…
I am so angry because I believe had it not been for the planted pandemic, Quintin would not have had these ailments and suffered so greatly. Breaks my heart into a million pieces.
I know we are not alone in our tragedy! There are so many others who have suffered at the hands of Covid and there is just nothing we can do about it, EXCEPT for to SHARE with one another and learn from this horrible situation.
Like Quintin said in one of his brilliant Q’ism’s that he shared with our children.
“QUESTION EVERYTHING” critical thinking is so incredibly important especially in today’s world! Not everything is what it seems and anyone who gets upset for you questioning should raise an eyebrow. Question. Research. Educate by looking at both sides and make the best informed decision for you and your family! And as Quintin so eloquently said in his “open if an emergency letter” to me, LIVE with absolutely NO REGRETS
Make a decision and then another and live with no regrets!! Every decision builds on the next… no wrong decision-no shame- just a decision that you can change on the next decision.
Inform & EDUCATE!! Once you know better you do better!!
After the outpouring of support and love ❤️ I felt it necessary to add this piece to the puzzle.
Much gratitude & love ❤️
Lori
Oh Lori, this hit my heart and I put myself into the things I read and I’m broken hearted for you. I am so thankful for you sharing your story, it encourages and reminds me and pushes me to be intentional in my walk with the Lord. I’m always telling my husband to be more intentional in our relationship but I forget to apply that sometimes in my spiritual walk. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable and I want you to know it does have an effect. Your family is in my prayers!
While I have not lost my husband, I relate to some of these issues when I lost my father. All I know is your faith in Jesus will get you through, but that doesn’t spare the loss you feel. I am so sorry people say mean things, but know you are amazing even when you don’t feel it. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey. You are helping me be a better wife to my husband. Continuing to pray for you and your children. Thankful for the assurance we have in our Savior. ????
So sorry for your loss. I wonder if he had a feeling there could be something happen with his health since you said during his service he left you a letter and what he said in his letter.
Thank you for sharing your story to remind us to live each day to its fullest, as your beautiful family did! I am so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you and your beautiful kids. Again, I am so deeply sorry.
Lori – thank you for being so vulnerable a@ this horrible time in your life. You will always have questions, that is normal, not sure if you’re familiar with the song “You’ve Already Won” by Shane & Shane but it fits the circumstance you’re in now. Thank you for sharing your faith, your witness of what God has, is & will continue doing in your life. My heart goes out to you & your children. I cannot imagine what you all are going through. I cry with you watching & reading your posts. And for those who post negativity & hateful comments, The Lord will deal with them. I am praying for you all.
You have such a way with words! Your story is beautiful. I will continue to pray for you and your kiddos. You are inspiring to so many. Live each day full of grace.❤️
I’m praying for you and your family, Lori. I’m so sorry for your loss. May God cover you with His protection and hold you close during the roller coaster of the grief ride.
So sorry for the experience you and your children had to go through. It truly makes the grieving process worse. Be ever gentle amd kind with yourselves, grief will take as long as it has to, and the trauma you endured in that moment will have an effect on how long that is. You did all you could. I know you’ve heard it already, but you can always hear it again. Q was where he wanted to be, by your side, after what sounds like a beautiful day.
As for the haters… block them, no good comes from letting them stay. Protect your heart, your kids and your family. Know you are loved. May His blessing and peace comfort you always.
You are stronger than most! May God’s Peace be with you and on you and your children until you all see Q again!
I will continue to keep you and the entire family in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine how difficult this was to share, but hopefully it will also help another family in a similar situation. For me, it IS that reminder to stay in the moment, be present and be intentional. Thank you.
Covid is such a diabolical thing. Prayers and hugs.
Thank you so much for sharing this. As someone who suffers from Long Covid issues, it was a reminder to live my life to the fullest every day as none of us know what the future..even 30 minutes from now holds.
You know that God has you in this place for a reason. He promises us to always be with us and does not promise us it will be easy. He has brought you to this place to show that no matter how horrific the world might seem, He is to be glorified at all times.
I hope maybe someday we can meet in person. I would love to give you a very long hug of gratitude and love for the way you have shared and the Love of Christ you shine with
God bless you and your children’s hearts….. praying you all find peace & comfort
Oh Lori and Family,
I am praying for your family as I know the loss of losing a father at a young age. My dad passed at 48 of cancer. I was only 23. I also know how it is to have to give someone CPR. My grandma died while I was giving her CPR on my birthday at the moment I was born. She always told me you never live one minute more than you’re supposed to, and if she didn’t show me that I don’t know who did. We are here for you in this community as you have been here for us. Please know the mean comments come from people who are unhappy with themselves and all we can do is pray for those people. I am sorry your family is having to endure such. My prayers are the wonderful people that love, pray and Encourage you will help you through this dark time. When My dad passed. He visited me. I woke up. I was wide awake. My room was lit up with the brightest white light and he told me don’t wish me back heaven’s more magnificent than you can ever imagine. I hold onto that I have for the past 30 years. I remember him every single day. I feel his presence. I know he watches over my and my family and I hope you know that Q is doing the same. Hes saving a place next to Jesus for you and your family when it’s your time. I will continue to hold you all in my prayers. My deepest sincere condolences.
I am so sorry for the cruel people in the world. Jesus loves you and your babies. Keep praying and praising all day every day. The song Keep Praising the Lord comes to mind. Keep praising the Lord when the skies above are gray keep praising the Lord for the answers on its way. Do not despair for the Lord still answers prayers for those who endure the victory is sure, keep praising the Lord. Love you sista in Christ.
I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss. My prayers for you all continue. I am so sorry for the horrific and negative comments. I am in awe that you have been able to put one foot in front of the other and you are a shining example for others who may go through similar circumstances. God’s blessings on you all. Thank you for sharing.