If you landed here on this blog post, it’s probably because of my social media post HERE about the loss of my best friend, loving husband, and incredible father Quintin.
A bit of an update….( I had to update the LINK HERE because facebook took down the post because it was deemed “Self harm” and a “Cyber Security Threat”) UGH! The censoring on these social platforms is scary to say the least.
This is the most difficult post I have ever had to write. I am writing here on my blog, as I have more freedom in what I can share and say.
The last few weeks have been emotionally exhausting in so many ways from planning, writing eulogy’s to funeral service programs full of Q ism’s and helping my kids navigate their emotions when I don’t know how to properly navigate my own. Grief is so tricky. Grief feels like when all you want to do is go Home but you can’t. The deepest ache in your soul of that forever missing piece is hard to put into words. I will have been married to Quintin 25 years this May 29th, and have been together with him for what would have been 31 incredible years. I have known him as a friend since I was 8 years old, and I have never had to do life without this amazing man.
Sharing the details surrounding his sudden death, brings a realness to him being gone that is so incredibly painful. If I am being completely honest, I am still trying to digest everything and I am battling with the denial of him being gone as my reality. Death alone is hard to comprehend and sudden deaths are even more difficult to understand. We are struggling to pickup all the pieces of that day, but through it all God is unchanging and remains faithful.
Even though I am a public person, my kids deserve their privacy and there are areas in my life where I deserve privacy too. I am a fixer and hope giver, so when I share publicly on my platform I want to offer solutions and hope even through my despair.
Often, my desire is to wait for healing before sharing, but the longer I grieve the realization hits I will never be over him or completely healed. I have struggled sharing for many reasons privacy and deep sorrow as mentioned above but also to protect myself and my children from the onslaught of unwanted opinions and negativity. Don’t get me wrong, we have had countless positive messages of encouragement and for those I am so incredibly grateful. However, those negative direct messages and comments seem to cut to the core. The messages that tell me to “get it together already”, “We all already know he is dead stop talking about him and focus on my children” , “Its about time you shut down your social media to mourn stop seeking attention by constantly posting about your dead husband”; to more evil comments and messages assuming details surrounding his death and saying that clearly it was a DIY “using a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” that serving me divorce papers would have been more sufficient. UGH! Horrific right? Reading this not only makes me sick, it is devastating as a mother to see your kids read these too. I will never understand why people think they can spew this sort of evil, but I can hear Q say “Hurt people, hurt people” and this Q'sim although not ok, is very true.
I believe in my healing and despair if I step out into the unknown and have faith, God will meet me there and not only heal me in my brokenness but help to teach others in their brokenness and heal them too.
I don’t have it together not sure I ever will … but here I am offering what I have in my time of brokenness in hopes it will help someone in their darkest hour not to feel so alone.
April 9th will be Forever Etched in my Memory as Day of Lasts.
The last day I would hear your voice
The last day I would feel your touch or embrace
The last day I would kiss your lips
The last day I would hear your laughter
The last day I would hear you encourage our children
The last day I would ever see you with my earthly eyes
I mean how could this be? Just the day before we were enjoying the eclipse together and laughing about Lulu (our squirrel hunting dog- if you were fortunate to catch the behind the scenes stories of Q and Lulu you can appreciate this comment- they were a riot together) wearing her safety glasses
April 9th was a Tuesday- for those who don’t know Tuesdays were date days for Quintin and I. We spent our mornings together enjoying coffee and most of the time breakfast, before the business of our day got started. These date days got started in order to spend intentional time together providing a bit of a reprieve from the hustle and bustle of being parents to four amazing active kiddos. We were intentional about carving out time just for the two of us, and made it a point to schedule in our time together and prioritized it over the business of life.
This Tuesday was like any other Tuesday. Alarm went off at 6:15 got our kids off to school (minus one who was away at college) and while I was showering and getting ready Q joked and talked to a good friend on the phone before we left , Pacing in true Q fashion. If you know Quintin, you know the man literally never sat down much less was he able to be still. His constant motion is something I will greatly miss. Spring was in the air and the sun was out – it was going to be a good day.
We enjoyed our time together at a local Cracker Barrel -sipping coffee (decaf for him of course) and talking about what the summer would be like having Kale home again, college visits for Ella, Fisher being so focused on crushing PR’s in track and how if Lily only knew how much potential she has how she would crush whatever she set her mind to.
After a good conversation, we went our separate ways. I would have normally snapped a quick selfie to remind others how important date days were and how fighting for your marriage in today’s society was so important, but on this particular day it didn’t even cross our mind. Oh how I wish we would have taken one… but I will chock this up to being in the moment with my sweet husband.
Later that afternoon, we met at the house to go to Lily’s track meet together to see her potential in action. He threw me the keys and asked me to drive because he had started not feeling well that day.
He had been having some back issues and indigestion which was unfortunately a common occurrence for him. He had recently been having esophageal spasms and was struggling with managing them. If you have ever had them you know how incredibly painful they are it was hard to watch him go through that.
We brought two chairs (he never sits in a chair- remember Q likes to pace) to watch Lily throw at invitationals and bring home first place on both events. Q was so proud of his little girl! He even posted about it on facebook, little did he know it happened to be his last social media post. He was such a great dad always being there to support, coach and cheer them on no matter the circumstance.
We truly had an amazing day in so many ways.
We decided to do Tacos at a local Mexican restaurant that evening and Quintin made the last minute decision to stay home. When we got home, Quintin had made grilled chicken for the week for Fisher to make sure his boy got his protein in. Even when he didn’t feel great he was always thinking and serving others, this speaks true to who Q was.
Some knew and many didn't, but Quintin struggled with long covid. It is not something he was public about for a multitude of reasons but even typing the word covid you will get flagged and meta will eventually ban your account, thus the reason for my blog post instead of a social media post. He had a difficult Covid spell in 2020 that landed him in the ER with heart rates of over 200 and that was the beginning of it all. His heart arrhythmias had started at Covid and increased sporadically over time. After extensive cardiac testing and cardiovascular appointments with multiple cardiologists – including an Electrophysiologist everyone was at a loss. His heart was healthy and strong but his electrical system seemed to be erratically broken. They called it idiopathic arrhythmias with no apparent structural heart defects or disease. In short, these arrhythmias had no identifiable cause therefore there was no identifiable solution. If only they could identity a trigger and localize the arrhythmia then they might could do something about it. They tried several different methods that didn't result in success.
Quintin was a 43 year old who suffered from a multitude of abnormal heart arrhythmias that they could not pin point. There was no pattern to them, nothing they could find that triggered them and the doctors reassured him they would not be fatal. These excitable abnormal arrhythmias were undoubtedly triggered by Covid. As I am sure you could imagine, this was followed with lots of confusion and frustration on our end. Puzzled doctors encouraged him to go to the Mayo Clinic so he didn't spare any time submitting his medical records and applying to the Mayo Clinic specifically with the Heart Rhythm Service Cardiovascular unit, two times to only be denied twice. Mayos response was “they only extend appointments to those patients who we truly think we can help and make a difference” … read that again, crazy right?
We were frustrated to say the least, however we trusted what the EP doctors had said and his arrhythmias would not be fatal. Debilitating at times yes, but would not be fatal. This was repeated to us from multiple doctors.
On the evening of April 9th,
On the evening of April 9th, laying next to me in bed watching Netflix he became unconscious. He had just gotten up less than ten minutes prior to get a drink of water. Just a few feet away, no noise leading up to the event, nothing out of the norm, just a relaxing evening at home, no signs of distress no nothing at all. I happened to look over to see him and that is when I realized something was not right. I was in complete and utter shock! I immediately yelled out for help, started trying to shake him to try to wake him up and then realized there was a bigger issue and started CPR right away. My sweet daughter ran downstairs to our room and immediately helped me by calling 911 and the two of us administered CPR for 9 minutes while my younger two children stood outside the door weeping. 9 minutes later the EMT arrived to take over our efforts.
The next 30 minutes, was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I screamed out in agony and immediately dropped to my knees there my sweet children hugged me and started to pray out loud for their dad. To witness my children in such despair is indescribable yet the strength and faith they had in their brokenness was so admirable. All of us felt so helpless.
In the next moments, we began to witness the absolute disbelief of our new unwanted reality unfolding in front of our very eyes. After 30 minutes of working to resuscitate my sweet husband and their father, the medical examiner and team said there was nothing they could do. We were in absolute shock and disbelief so many emotions flooded in. How could this be possible? As we went in to say our goodbyes it was like time stood still. I fell to my knees over his body and cried out to God and thanked him for the time He had given us with Quintin as my best friend and husband, truly the most amazing father and ultimately thankful for sending His son Jesus to the cross to die and raise again so that we will be able to see Quintin again. I realized that although his physical body was present, Quintin was no longer there. The father of my children, my protector had gone to be with his Heavenly Father where he was completely at peace. I was so broken, hurt, angry and so many emotions flooded however for some unknown reason all I could outwardly verbalize in that moment was gratitude. Thanking God for the time with Quintin and him choosing me to be his wife and mother of his children.
We had so many assumptions about the events that took place that evening but so many unanswered questions remained.
We got the official word that Quintin passed from sudden cardiac arrest. This is not a heart attack, sudden cardiac arrest is different than a heart attack. His heart was healthy in all ways, this was an electrical issue with his heart called ventricular fibrillation. This is a life threatening situation that results in a rapid inadequate heart beat. He was in ventricular fibrillation for 37 seconds and the only thing that could have potentially changed the outcome was an automated external defibrillator to be used immediately. And even with that there is a very slim chance of survival. Ventricular fibrillation is a rare occurrence and causes immediate loss of consciousness and no pulse. His sudden cardiac arrest was a result from long covid and had nothing to do with his lifestyle. He was very active with our kids, worked out with our boys and health conscious with his lifestyle decisions even drank decaf coffee. Covid messed up his electrical system and would debilitate him at times and unfortunately ultimately took his life. We are crushed and devastated and still have so many lingering questions. HOW? WHY? At 46, he had so much more to do in life. He was so young to have his life cut short.
I have been waiting to share until I had all the details of that night straightened out. I look back on that day and ask myself “what if” all day long … I truly have beat myself up and so have all of my children. From my sweet daughter who helped administer CPR to the younger two standing outside the room feeling helpless as they witnessed it all, to my son driving home from college wishing he could have been here to save his dad. We are all struggling. The fact is that we all did what we could and nothing that we could have done or didn’t do could have changed the outcome. Now it’s getting our head thoughts to connect with our hearts, truly the hardest part. My kids are all struggling so much in so many areas right now. Frankly, we all are. We all need your prayers, but my children especially.
I believe all of the night events leading up to the fatal event that happened that night were all unrelated. The doctors have even indicated this as well. These are questions I will never fully have answers to and that is a hard pill to swallow. I struggle with all of these unanswered questions each and every day. Then I am reminded that I get to choose where to spend my energy. I can choose to spend it on all the questions that will always remain unanswered, or I can choose to spend the little energy I have on loving on my children reminding them how much their father loved them and how they absolutely had no control over the outcome of this entire situation. How God had a plan for our lives and reassuring them He still does. God didn’t cause this to happen, however He will sustain us, walk with us and carry us when we need Him through it all. We are choosing to walk by faith and not by sight, because if I am being completely honest none of this makes any sense it wasn’t suppose to be this way yet here we are, this is our journey.
As day light broke the following morning, I could hear the birds chirping and the tree in my view full bloom as if it bloomed overnight. I had not gotten a wink of sleep and while sitting on the couch I happened to look over to see this in our hallway (pictured below)- you see he hung his hat that he wore on the 9th on a cross (He has never hung his hat here- he always hangs his hat in the laundry room on hooks) His hat was hanging on a cross with 3 nails right under another cross that says “It is well with my soul” … Chills went through my body and I immediately broke down in tears as this was a “godwink” and a sign from Q if you will, that we can rest assure in that very promise!
So here is your reminder to live life to its absolute fullest! Live life BIG like Q did, share the love of Christ and what He has done for you and others on the cross, date your spouse, spend intentional time with your kids- cheering them on in their interests and being their safe place to fall, be a truth telling genuine friend, take the trip, take the pic – live life with NO regrets. Faith first and Family and Friends second.
I don’t want Q to be known for the day he died rather the days he lived so I have created and will continue to update periodically a section I created in honor of my late husband “Cooking with Q” HERE with his favorite recipes, his cooking, fun hacks and chock full of wisdom that we call Q’ism’s that he was best known for around our dinner table. May you and your sweet family reclaim the table with a quick and easy crazy busy mama meal and share a Q’ism in effort to be more intentional with your family time.
For this is not goodbye but see you soon Q. Although life with you has been cut short, your blessings permeate and legacy through our children will remain.
Appreciate your continued prayers for my family and especially my sweet kiddos.
For those of you who would like to watch Quintin's Funeral you can do so HERE
Much Love – CBM
UPDATE: 2/25 : The Lingering Question…
Lots of questions asking if Quintin had the Covid vaccine, so I thought I would answer here so facebook and instagram couldn't shut me down for talking about restricted topics. He did not. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding the vaccine (and rightfully so) I don’t want this to become a hot topic debate but we felt it was the best choice for our family to not take the vaccine. I believe people during this dark time of the pandemic really were trying to make the best decision for their family.
Covid is an ugly virus that I believe was created for death and destruction. Covid has proven to leave traces of MRNA to change the body just like the vaccine. Some people never fully recover from this horrific planted virus and many others are suffering from vaccine injuries that will ever be recorded.
All of it is a mind mess to say the least…
I am so angry because I believe had it not been for the planted pandemic, Quintin would not have had these ailments and suffered so greatly. Breaks my heart into a million pieces.
I know we are not alone in our tragedy! There are so many others who have suffered at the hands of Covid and there is just nothing we can do about it, EXCEPT for to SHARE with one another and learn from this horrible situation.
Like Quintin said in one of his brilliant Q’ism’s that he shared with our children.
“QUESTION EVERYTHING” critical thinking is so incredibly important especially in today’s world! Not everything is what it seems and anyone who gets upset for you questioning should raise an eyebrow. Question. Research. Educate by looking at both sides and make the best informed decision for you and your family! And as Quintin so eloquently said in his “open if an emergency letter” to me, LIVE with absolutely NO REGRETS
Make a decision and then another and live with no regrets!! Every decision builds on the next… no wrong decision-no shame- just a decision that you can change on the next decision.
Inform & EDUCATE!! Once you know better you do better!!
After the outpouring of support and love ❤️ I felt it necessary to add this piece to the puzzle.
Much gratitude & love ❤️
Lori
Lori my heart hurts for you but know It’s not goodbye. It’s just later. My mom passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack in March 2021. It was so unexpected and so sad and we were at a loss for words. Goes by that we don’t think of her I pray that you will have comfort and knowing that he’s watching over you. Red cardinal stood on my daughters car her and my daughter were very very close and knew that it was her saying hello ♥️ Watch for signs because they will be there. Much love -~Mechelle -Waco TX
I am so sorry for your loss. Everytime I read about it or see you talk about it I cry for you. It also reminds me to hug my husband a little bit tighter. He is my families world and rock like Q was for you. My best friend and truly gods gift to me. I’m so sorry your time was cut short. Don’t listen to haters you grieve however you feel best. And people will always be here to support you and lend an ear.
I am so very sorry for your loss, I pray for you and your family that you will find comfort and healing. I felt the emotion that you all went through when I was reading this which I believe had to be most difficult for you to write. I don’t understand how some people can be so hurtful, you definitely don’t deserve that from anyone, all we can do is pray for them that they can find Jesus. I truly love that you have so much faith I believe you and your children will be with him again one day. Jesus is our strength and through him we can do anything, I will continue praying for you and your children. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re sister in Christ Jesus Sharon
So sorry for your loss. I know it is hard time for you know. I am praying for you and your family. Praying for comfort, compassion, strength and understanding to get through all the hard emotions. Thank you for sharing. Grief is an complicated emotion. It can be overwhelming. I lost my dad 7 years ago. There are some times I am fine and sometimes I am not.
I’m walking the same path. I’m so very sorry. My husband died while doing yard work from cardiac arrest on May 11th. My son & I found him and did CPR until medics arrived. Your blog on Q was helpful to me. Grief is a strange and lonely thing. Prayers for you & your kids. ❤️
Lori, my heart aches right along with yours and your kiddos. I continue to pray for your. I am so sorry there have been mean comments made to you, so undeserved. So thankful you have such good memories and you know where your strength comes from.
Oh Lori – so heartbreaking!!! What a blessing you all had in Q. Praying for God to cover you and your 4 kiddos with comfort and peace, knowing Q is with our Savior, walking the streets of gold! No doubt Q heard those precious words that awful night of April 9th – “well done my good and faithful servant”. God bless you and your kiddos; continuing prayers for you all.
My condolences to his family and all who grieving his loss.
Also to others who wrote here of their own losses.
You are one very inspirational woman with so much FAITH! I admire you for your dedication, faithfulness, and strength during this very difficult time in your life. I pray that you continue your devotion to our Lord with the guidance of his mercy and love! Prayers for peace for you and your beautiful children!
Praying for you and your family. We just never no, I lost my first child when I was 26 weeks pregnant. Only knowing the umbilical cord was very long an wrapped around her twice Im always asking why. My husband who is 66 very healthy exercise daily eats good was laying in bed an his pulse shot up to 186 beats per minute, it showed on his apple watch took him to ER diagnosed with SuperVentricular Tachcardia. They had to use a med that stops the heart for a split second to reset the beats He had another episode an they did an ablation an burned the artery that was allowing the beat to increasing an it worked. Then 2 years later had to have another ablation to slow it down an ended up in the ablation having to burn the artery from allowing racing beats 5 times to get it to hold an not race thru. He had his 5th covid vaccine an this happened 3 months after? He is one year out from last ablation and doing good. But ŵe are both Christians an pray often to keep him healthy and our mind on the Lord. It is a scary daily load. Again keeping you in our prayers.
My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly at passport control in Ashgabat airport where he was posted as the Deputy Head of Mission with British Embassy, we have been there only 5,5 months and were coming back from a Central Asia deputy Head of Missions conference, there was nothing to Indicate he would just collapse and die, he had cardiac arrest 9 years ago and survived because it happened in U.K. he had to have by pass surgery following that but never in a million years I thought he would collapse and die in few minutes, there was no emergency services, defibrillators at what supposed to be an international airport, I was at another desk so ran to him and tried CPR without checking his pulse( because I was in a shock) what I remember vividly ( everything else was a blur) was that when I ran to him his eyes were half open with eyes rolled back?) he lifted his head, his face was all red, his eyes were bulging and he made these awful sounds, I was so shocked I stopped the CPR because I thought I was hurting him ( he still had his backpack attached to his back so I didn’t even think to remove it though it would have taken at least 5 minutes to do that and no one ran for help anyway!) his head went back down and he died, I literally seen the life leaving the body of the man I loved so much and shared 42 years, my soulmate, my everything. The rest is a blur and since then like you I wanted answers ( as he was on business trip, government regulations he could only fly economy but we decided that I would fly business so we had extra baggage allowance and easy check in a decision I regret as I couldn’t be next to him for the last 4 hours of his life??) I am not religious but I questioned everything and couldn’t understand why it had to be him,why it happened to me and our sons ( grown up ) have been left behind to endure the loss of our person. I can’t see how I can live without him, the pain is indescribable and debilitating, since my husband died I had so many accidents, walked into lamp post and nearly hospitalised, fell in Canada ( my sister came and stayed with me here in U.K. then took me to stay with her and her family so there are less triggers) cut the palms of my hands open and yesterday trying to pierce the top of a glue with a knife and stabbing my hand badly in the process? I am a complete mess and having trauma counselling so I echo everything you are going through, death of a loved one is the most painful thing we would ever experience, there are no cures, it’s not fixable, time doesn’t heal, the life and who you were before when your life was perfect with your loved one still existed has forever changed, there is no joy in anything and no sparkle in the eyes, at least for me, I feel I died with him on that morning but still breathing, that’s all. There is no life for me after Martin, my forever, my one and only.
I wish you strength, and will to carry on, we are all very brave to face and complete another day without our husbands.
Much love,
Dilek
You are an amazing woman and so blessed to have your sweet husband for a short while. You have amazing kids. So many good memories.
I know the silence is deafening.
I’m praying for peace for you and your family.
Lori …I’ve read this post with tears in my eyes . I lost my husband also, at age 59. He had cancer so I had some time to try and mentally prepare myself if something happened to him . In reality nothing prepares you for that outcome . I cannot imagine how you feel with it happening so sudden . My heart truly aches with sympathy for you and your children . It gets easier with time , but I don’t think we ever truly heal . Your love and faith will carry you and will continue to help you guide those babies through life . Something that helps me is try to always Focus on the good times and memories . You were the lucky ones to have those and no one can take them from you . Stay strong and keep trying to smile that beautiful smile ….and always keep looking up ….it’s easier to see Heaven that way ?❤️ love and prayers from me in Kentucky
Your reality reminds me so much of my own with my dad. 12/25/2015. Yes, Christmas. It was 7am. We were all getting ready for church. My dad sat up and was a double amputee so needed to put his legs on first thing. He sat up and the first and last thing he ever said to my mom was “he felt faint and had to pee”. Then he went out. I can still hear the loud stomps and my mom worried voice calling for help. At the time I had been out of nursing school for 6months. My dad was the first person I ever did CPR on. As you, as well as I still remember. can feel the ribs break under my hands.
I’d like to tell you that I don’t think about that moment much anymore. I’ve just now excepted that it will come and go. I had a co-worker give a great example one day of grief. It is a ball in a box bouncing around. The ball starts out large and hits the edges having those feelings of grief when the ball hits the edges. After time your ball gets smaller but it never goes away and will out of the blue it the side of the box randomly show up. Let it. Grief is your own and knows no time. Somethings that helped, is finding signs he’s still with me. And reading “Imagine Heaven”. It describes Heaven from many different peoples paths and walks of life in such a way the helps realized what a glorious place they went too. Many thoughts and prayers to you and your family as you navigate new routines and new memories that has a missing piece. Remeber your never alone.
Prayers for you and your children love. Prayers for peace that surpasses all understandings in Jesus name! This sounds so scary to go through I know Jesus will pull you and your babies through this.
Sending prayers for you and your family. I know that trauma and grief can hit you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it BUT God’s word will sustain you and your precious kiddos. Thank you for being vulnerable because ultimately even those on social media are God’s children who also deserve love, grace and compassion from ALL of their followers. Praying favor over your business and social media accounts. ❤️??
Lori,
My heart breaks for you and your family, mainly for the loss of your adoring husband and your kids’ amazing father, but also for the hurtful, heartless people who are being so rude and nasty to you. I lost my mom 20 years ago and that grief of a loved one doesn’t go away…you can’t and don’t “just get over it and move on”. With grief, it’s complicated and you just grieve differently each moment, and each day and so on! Some moments and some days are better than others! I agree with you when you said grief is like wanting to just go Home but Home isn’t there anymore! You feel lost and like everyone else is going about their day, living their lives and you don’t even know where to go or what to do! Heck, there are days when you probably don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone leave the house but you do because you know you have to! You are taking the steps to “move forward” but only physically because mentally and spiritually ( your heart and soul) is lost! It’s normal what you are feeling and NO ONE has the right to tell you when and how you should grief! I just want to reach out and give you a huge hug!? know that you and your beautiful kids are in my thoughts and prayers as you all navigate this new life without your beloved husband and their amazing father! You are blessed to have your kids and they are blessed to have you and you all will get through this together! ? Q is watching over you all!