This evening grief has me feeling all sorts of heavy.
Thereโs something about the changing of the seasons that seems to stir up all the emotions I try so hard to tuck away. The air turns crisp, the light shifts, and suddenly I find myself right back in that familiar ache โ missing my husband, my best friend, my person.
Tonight, I found myself cleaning out the kitchen, trying to make sense of life one drawer at a time. I guess thatโs my coping mechanism โ I distract. I scrub, I organize, I rearrange, because somehow keeping my hands busy helps me hold my heart together. But grief has this sneaky way of finding me, even in the simplest moments. And tonight, it caught up to me good.
Life can be so hard sometimes. Iโve been juggling so many little things lately, trying to keep everything going โ the kids, the house, the work, the to-dos โ and yet, thereโs this quiet part of me thatโs just tired. Tired of pretending Iโm strong when all I really want is one more evening with him standing around the island, talking about our day.
Iโve been digging for the hidden blessings in it all, reminding myself that even in the pain, thereโs purpose. But tonight, my heart just needed to feel.
The song that broke me
As I worked my way through the kitchen, I turned on some music โ just trying to keep my mind occupied. Then, out of nowhere, โDonโt Careโ by Red Clay Strays came on.
And just like that, I was a blubbering mess.
You know those moments when grief doesnโt just knock softly โ it barrels through the door and sits right on your chest? It is just so heavy…you can hardly breath. That was me tonight. The first few notes played, and it was like time stopped. Every lyric seemed to reach right into the rawest part of my heart, pulling out the memories I try to guard so carefully.
Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face, and I realized what I really needed wasnโt to keep cleaning โ it was to let it all out. So I shut the door, ran a warm bubble bath, turned the lights down, lit a candle, and sank into the quiet. The kind of quiet where you can just be…
The photo Iโll never forget
As the song played in my head, I thought of a moment thatโs been etched into my heart since the night before Qโs sudden passing.
We didnโt know, of course. None of us could have. But sometimes, when I look back, I wonder if maybe โ somehow โ he did.
That evening, he was volunteering at one of Fisherโs track meets. He loved being out there cheering for the kids, helping however he could. He had that big-brimmed sun hat on โ the one that always made me laugh โ and his usual grin. But that night, something special happened.
He motioned real big to Ella, waving his arms and saying, โHey, take my picture!โ He struck this goofy little pose, head tilted off to the side, almost like he was looking off into the distance โ into wonder.
At the time, it just felt like one of his silly Q moments โ the kind that made us all laugh. He was wearing a T-shirt that said:
โI'm on a one-way road to glory and I'll leave all my troubles behind.โ
None of us thought twice about it. It was just Dad being Dad โ playful, full of life, soaking in the moment. But nowโฆ now it feels different.
Because that photo was taken the night before everything changed.
The night before heaven gained my husband, and our world lost the man who made it all make sense.
Itโs like he knew
I think about that moment often. The way he smiled. The way he insisted Ella take that picture. The way he looked just slightly off into the distance โ peaceful, almost like he could see something the rest of us couldnโt.
Itโs like he knew.
Just like the lyrics on his shirt said โ โI'm on a one-way road to glory, and I'll leave all my troubles behind.โ
And he did.
On that day โ our worst day โ it became his best.
As hard as it is to wrap my heart around that truth, I hold onto it. Because I know that he did leave all his troubles behind that day. The worries, the pain, the weight of this world โ all gone. Heโs home now. Whole. Free.
But oh, how I ache.
Homesick for a home I canโt return to
Grief, Iโve learned, isnโt just sadness. Itโs homesickness.
Itโs missing your person so deeply that no matter where you go, you feel misplaced โ like the world is a little less bright, a little less home.
Because Q wasnโt just part of my homeโฆ he was my home.
Every bit of laughter, every shared glance across the room, every quiet coffee morning before the day began โ that was home to me. And now, even though I still have our house, our memories, our family โ that sense of home feels forever changed.
Thereโs a quote I read once that said, โGrief is love with nowhere to go.โ
And thatโs exactly it. Every bit of love I have for him still lives inside me โ it just doesnโt have the same place to land anymore.
Some days, I find comfort knowing that love doesnโt die. It simply changes form. It becomes the strength that carries me through, the lessons he left behind, the way I love our kids fiercely โ because I know how deeply he loved them.
Other days, thoughโฆ I just miss him. I miss his laugh. His steady presence. His way of making everything feel like it was going to be okay.
Carrying on his legacy
Even through the tears, I know this: I will spend the rest of my life carrying on Qโs legacy.
He lived with such boldness, faith, and purpose. He showed our kids what it meant to work hard, love big, and laugh often. He was the first to step up, the last to leave, and the one who always made sure everyone else was taken care of.
He loved me so well โ and because of that love, Iโll spend my life sharing it forward.
I want our kids to always know just how much they meant to him. How proud he was of each of them. How his eyes would light up whenever he talked about them. I want them to remember his laugh, his grit, his determination to share the love of the Lord, his quiet strength โ and to feel his presence in the ways he continues to show up for us.
Sometimes itโs in a song, sometimes in a sunset, sometimes in a simple moment that feels too perfect to be coincidence.
Those are the hidden blessings I keep digging for.
Finding peace in the ache
Tonight, as I sat in that bubble bath, the candlelight flickering against the walls, I let the tears fall. I talked to him โ just like I always do.
I told him about the kids, about the little everyday things heโd find funny, about how Iโm trying my best to keep it all together. I told him I miss him like crazy.
And I thanked God for the years we had โ even if it wasnโt nearly long enough.
Because when youโve loved someone that deeply, the ache never truly goes away. But I believe the ache is proof that love was real โ and that someday, it will be whole again.
Until that sweet day
Q, you have gone, but your memory remains in everything. In our kidsโ laughter. In the music that fills this house. In the way I can still feel your presence when I close my eyes.
I know Iโll see you again someday โ in the glory of heaven where thereโs no more pain, no more tears, no more goodbyes. But today, my entire being aches for you.
Itโs truly the worst homesick feeling ever โ homesick for a home I can never return to.
Because you were my home.
Until that sweet day when we meet again, Iโll keep going โ carrying your love forward, sharing your story, and finding those hidden blessings even in the hardest days.
Iโll keep reclaiming the table, building memories with our kids, laughing through tears, and clinging to faith โ because I know thatโs exactly what youโd want me to do.
Miss you like crazy, Q.
Forever and always… til I see you again.
โค๏ธ
Lori I am lying here in bed reading and crying for you, and just worrying about the day I may be in your shoes. You see I am 66 years old. I know we are older and one day either me or my husband will leave the other one. My husband, like Q has loved me well. He takes such good care of me just as I try to take care of him. I cannot imagine life without him. I hurt so much for you and your beautiful children. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I will pray for your peace and comfort at this difficult time.
Lori, I obviously donโt know you and your family, but have followed you on social media for quite awhile. I think about you and your kids quite often. My heart aches for all of you. He was way too young. What an incredible man it sounds like he was! A handsome lad too. I pray for all of you and send hugs your way. Keep sharing your kindness, your heart and soul.
โค๏ธ๐๐ป๐ค
I think of you and your kids so often and how hard it has been for you to walk through this season of heartache and insurmountable grief. Praying for each one of you.
Lori,
Such beautiful words~ sending huge prayers up for you & your beautiful family. Our lives will never be the same. We must carry their love with us & leave their legacy. I am doing my best at that also. Hugs to you & yours๐๐
Lori, as I read this, I could feel the love that you shared with your husband. I pray that the comfort of God will just blanket you and your children. There is no time limit on grief, and you need to process it any way that you need to. Qโs presence will always be with you. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I want to thank you for sharing your story and your journey through your grief. Although I dont have any children I ach, long for and miss my husband my person every day. I was 21 when I met my love and after 32 years he passed away after having an elective heart surgery ๐.
As I look back there were signs like he knew.
Today is my birthday I tur 54 and he’s not here to wish me a happy birthday for the first time.
I lay in bed crying as I write this knowing that this is just another first that I have to go through without him.
I miss him so much every day.
As I get ready for another day I pray for the lord’s strength and guidance not to loose my cool on this next mild stone … my first birthday without my Steven.
Keep up the faith and sharing your journey. It helps to know that im not alone.
Loosing someone you love โค๏ธ so deeply hurts so much more than I ever thought it would.
Be kind to others always. You dont know what others are going through and struggling with.
God bless.
Oh Monique…your encouragement to me is beyond kind while you are struggling and dealing with your own grief. I can feel your pain in your words. It is so hard <3 Those first and milestones are so hard without your person.It is ok to go back to bed and cover your head.There is no "perfect" way to grieve and it is so individual so all. Praying for Gods strength, sweet moments and continued perseverance.God Bless and much love.
I too am lying here in the bed reading this. I felt every word you said. It cuts deep even now after this long. Itโs been 4 years since my husband passed away. We were married almost 45 years so our children are grown and we have grandchildren. I believe I will always have this huge hole in my heart. Itโs such a lonely feeling that nothing will feel. Iโm lonesome in a room full of people. Seems like if could just see him one more time and talk to him one more time. He had cancer for almost 11 years but we had no idea he was so close to death because he had done so good the day before. Time waits on no one.
I think of you and your children a whole lot because you are a lot younger and your children are a lot younger so I grieve with you even as I still grieve.
This passed Sunday at church was the lesson of grief and grieving. In the bie book of John 11:35. 2 words is the verse. “Jesus wept” Jesus was mourning for his friend Lazarus. I lost my mother abruptly in 2018 and it still hits me randomly through random things. Its become to a point where its expected just dont know when its coming again. Looking at an old cookie jar, a picture, something one of my kids said, etc. Allow yourself to feel the emotion. Take it in, and allow God to help you through it. These times make it harder with the change of the seasons so close to holidays and family gatherings. Everyone mourns differently and at different times. Hope youre doing well now and have some comfort in knowing g he’s in the best of hands right now
<3 thank you for sharing! Loss is so hard but so grateful for the cross!
I lost my husband at age 57 very close to the time you lost Q. I’ve followed Crazy Busy Mama way before that though. But when it happened to your family too, I felt like you all were someone I knew and loved. I felt your pain also. I watched Quinton’s funeral and how brave you and your children were. And I’ve faithfully watched and listened to your grief journey because you have the platform and a way to express almost what I feel at the same stage of grief. Very parallel! Spot on! It’s like you have been able to say and share what my heart has been feeling on that same day! A voice for me. Thank you. I encourage my family and friends to follow you in hopes it will give them an understanding and perspective into how grief makes a person feel. I am so sorry for your great loss. It’s brutal. The one thing I remind myself, that helps me not to cave, is I want my husband to be remembered for how awesome he was….not for people to think of him and remember how his death destroyed us. I refuse to cave. Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing…I am so sorry we belong to the same club ๐ I agree I REFUSE to let it destroy us too! Our worst day was his best day…and we absolutely will see him again someday! Blessings to you and again thank you for sharing
This post could have been written by me. I have felt grief lay heavy on my chest. I have been surprised by a moment of grief as if it was yesterday cause honestly, it was, in some ways time has stood still since December 19, 2024.
Thank you for your ministry.
With a heart for widows
Oh friend… a club that no one wants to be in but here we are. So sorry! Isn’t weird how time stands still for us. Makes me ache for my eternal home! Hugs. Keep your eyes lifted heaven bound my friend.
Oh the memories! My husband passed away suddenly, although not as suddenly as yours. A cancer diagnosis that took him away from us in 3 short months. My memories are shut tight in a box I put away in my mind. I struggle to open it. We had good days but bad days keep coming to mind. Heartache for him comes in waves. We were married almost 25 years. I long for a picture or memory to pop up. So thankful for your words that have reminded me of a sweet reunion in heaven. Thank you!
Darcey..so incredibly difficult. Please know no one can be married for 25 years without hardships. You did well my friend, no doubt you were an amazing wife to him a true gift. Quintin and i were married almost 25 years too…so hard to think 25 years and now we are no more. So looking forward to that sweet homecoming! HUgs
Your journey without your love is a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I watched you and Q before the passing and the two of you together was just AMAZING how you two enjoyed each other you could tell it was no act. You two just fit perfectly together. My heart aches when I read your journey now case I know you are in pain and miss your person. But I admire you as you keep this going not for you but for Q memories.
Stacey- thank you for sharing those sweet thoughts and memories of us together in the early Crazy Busy Mama days <3 Oh how I Miss him and that time. It is like I can hear him cheering me on from heaven.... really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Means the world
Looks like we are all in bed reading this. I have tears running down my face. My heart is aching for you, because I have been there and have had all the grieving moments you have had. It has been five years since my love went to be Jesus and our Father. I have a few songs as well that stop me in my tracks and the tears just flow. I hold is memory and his love in my heart as you do with Q.
You mentioned two words in your Facebook post. Beautiful and broken. I completely understand, so much that I got my first tattoo after he died, of cherry blossoms with a gray ribbon and the words beautifully broken, added to it later.
I will keep you and your family my prayers, that the Lord will help heal your hearts and forever. Keep his memory and love alive in you.
Hugs to you…Beautifully broken indeed <3 Thank you for sharing your encouragement means so much!
I am crying with you Lori! Your โtime in the tub for tearsโ is what I call it when I need a good cry! And Lori, I cry loud and ugly sometimes! Itโs when grief fills you up and you feel it in your stomach and your heart and your throat until you canโt keep it in anymore and it explodes and your whole body purges itself with the tears and thoughts of a lifetime with your love! Then weakness overcomes you until you canโt cry.. you can barely moveโฆ
<3 so true my friend
I watched two create all those recipes and found that your family were just adorable and precious, and all the videos that yโall ever made together. I cried with you the day that I found out what had happened and the key was no longer with your family. I look at grief as the uninvited guest that will not leave. Unfortunately, I wanna say that I knew how hard the journey would be going on without you in your familyโs life. My loss has been there since 2012 and I can still say that as of today I still have my week weak moments out of a month. I can say that I have anywhere between 4 to 9 bad days. My news came when they knocked at my door and sit down in my own home insured The largest nightmare that I have never been able to walk away from . as I have read your story I can relate to so much of what you have felt, and it saddens me because I know how hard this is for you and for your family.. I tried to do everything I could to go on without filling the heaviness. I attended many grief share events for series, and I also in time became a prisoner in a grave share class.. my heart just feels heavy for you and for your family because I know how hard life is and just going on and trying to find a sense of normal. But what really is normal right?, I wish that I had the time to just meet with you or just be present when you need that extra shoulder to talk to because I also know., some of the heaviness that you feel. I wish I had the answers to make this part of your journey of grief easier, but I think we all cannot go on it on our own pace.. please know that youโre not alone, I message you often on Facebook just to let you know that youโre not alone, know that everything that you share also helps you with your process of moving on and going on. I used to hate to hear anyone saying moving on or going on with my life., but what it really means is you do go forward, but you never pass a day without missing them or thinking of them. Stand strong in your faith., know that I see that in you and know that you are the โ pillarโ in your childrenโs lives now! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know that itโs OK to take those baby steps on those days if thatโs all you can do.
Wow such an encouragement to me Anette. Q was such a force! Thanks for sharing with me memories of those earlier Crazy Busy Mama days. To know him was to love him. I am so sorry you are having to walk through this grief as well. It truly is the most difficult. I agree what is “normal” anymore… my perspective has changed som much. My pass feels so slow and non existent at times so appreciate your encouragement there. I want to also be an encouragement to you my friend… chin up eyes lifted to the hills and keep stepping with Jesus right by your side. Much love
Lori you words are so familiar to me and you are not alone. I have learned so much about grief in the last 14 years since my husband passed away. We shared a love and a bond so strong and gentle. He was my home also and we were so young when he passed away, I have always felt a little cheated. Cheated out of a life with my best friend. A few days before he left, he said, “I wish I had a lot more years with you.” Grief is something we are never prepared for and it definitely sneaks up on you. You don’t have to be strong, embrace the moments you can see him and feel him. What I have learned, my Pete always shows up, even when I didn’t think I needed him. He knows, he will always know.
So sorry for your loss, Pete sounds like he was an amazing man. So incredibly grateful for your encouragement that I don’t have to be strong. <3
โHomesick for a home I canโt return toโ . Almost a year into this journey and that phrase fits me right now. Relying on God to see me through but still feeling lost and misplaced everywhere I go. Thank you for sharing your trials on this grief journey. Makes those of us on it too know weโre not alone.
โHomesick for a home I canโt return toโ . Almost a year into this journey and that phrase fits me right now. Relying on God to see me through but still feeling lost and misplaced everywhere I go. Thank you for sharing your trials on this grief journey. Makes those of us on it too know weโre not alone.
It’s truly the only way I know how to describe it. <3 Praying for peace and comfort for you to come in the difficult journey ahead.
Thank you for sharing. Iโve been following you since the beginning of your loss, because I too lost my love a few weeks before you. We were married almost 40 years, and our two daughters are grown, but we miss him like crazy. I still ask, โHow can this be?โ
Like your guy, mine was such a great guy. He lived and loved fiercely. He gave is all for everyone else. I always knew I was deeply loved.
I ask that question daily too…<3 gone too soon no doubt! He sounded like a true blessing.
As always, praying for you daily.
Lori, I am so sorry for your loss and I feel I could of wrote this as Iโm feeling the same, I lost my husband of 48 years a year and a half ago and itโs not getting any easier. Iโve read other blogs on grief but you say it so beautifully and I relate so well. I miss him so much. Thank you for sharing, I love following you and your journey.
So sorry, so sweet of you to say Cathy. Hugs to you in this difficult journey
I am crying with you Lori, when you said that Q was your home I lost it completely.Only our love of the lord carries us through these very hard days , our longing and wishing for a life that once was . Butโฆ. Our faith tells us that we will see them again at another place and time.
God bless you all Lori.
Amen <3 It's the only thing that keeps me going.
Hi Lori
I watch your videos everyday, I lost my husband to brain cancer in 2023 was diagnosed and was gone in 4 weeks, had no symptoms at all. My husband and I had no children so my husband and I were the best of friends I miss him so bad, it has been two years since his passing. When my husband passed two months later my Nephew at the age of 7 years old passed away he chocked on his food and couldnโt be saved,
My sister passed your Facebook page to me and have found so much comfort in your videos you are feeling like I am most days. I live in Minnesota I wish we lived closer would love to get together and help one through our grief, we grief so much alike.
I prayer for you everyday.
If you feel like reaching out I will fill my email below.
Big hugs
How heart wrenching…I am so sorry! Many prayers for you and your sweet family <3
Lori, I do not know you, but I know a friend of yours, Debbie. She sent this to me. The words and descriptions you so beautifully laid out in this ruminates in my bones. I thank Debbie for sharing with me. I will be 1 year out this month of my T in heaven. When the heaviness is surrounding me, and the words will not come– because there is no description that could compare with the loss. I would want to save these words you have captured, for help to lift even a moment of suffocation from the weight. ‘cerely, V.
So sorry for your loss <3 Thank you for your kind words...may God keep you and bless you