If you landed here on this blog post, it’s probably because of my social media post HERE about the loss of my best friend, loving husband, and incredible father Quintin.
A bit of an update….( I had to update the LINK HERE because facebook took down the post because it was deemed “Self harm” and a “Cyber Security Threat”) UGH! The censoring on these social platforms is scary to say the least.
This is the most difficult post I have ever had to write. I am writing here on my blog, as I have more freedom in what I can share and say.
The last few weeks have been emotionally exhausting in so many ways from planning, writing eulogy’s to funeral service programs full of Q ism’s and helping my kids navigate their emotions when I don’t know how to properly navigate my own. Grief is so tricky. Grief feels like when all you want to do is go Home but you can’t. The deepest ache in your soul of that forever missing piece is hard to put into words. I will have been married to Quintin 25 years this May 29th, and have been together with him for what would have been 31 incredible years. I have known him as a friend since I was 8 years old, and I have never had to do life without this amazing man.
Sharing the details surrounding his sudden death, brings a realness to him being gone that is so incredibly painful. If I am being completely honest, I am still trying to digest everything and I am battling with the denial of him being gone as my reality. Death alone is hard to comprehend and sudden deaths are even more difficult to understand. We are struggling to pickup all the pieces of that day, but through it all God is unchanging and remains faithful.
Even though I am a public person, my kids deserve their privacy and there are areas in my life where I deserve privacy too. I am a fixer and hope giver, so when I share publicly on my platform I want to offer solutions and hope even through my despair.
Often, my desire is to wait for healing before sharing, but the longer I grieve the realization hits I will never be over him or completely healed. I have struggled sharing for many reasons privacy and deep sorrow as mentioned above but also to protect myself and my children from the onslaught of unwanted opinions and negativity. Don’t get me wrong, we have had countless positive messages of encouragement and for those I am so incredibly grateful. However, those negative direct messages and comments seem to cut to the core. The messages that tell me to “get it together already”, “We all already know he is dead stop talking about him and focus on my children” , “Its about time you shut down your social media to mourn stop seeking attention by constantly posting about your dead husband”; to more evil comments and messages assuming details surrounding his death and saying that clearly it was a DIY “using a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” that serving me divorce papers would have been more sufficient. UGH! Horrific right? Reading this not only makes me sick, it is devastating as a mother to see your kids read these too. I will never understand why people think they can spew this sort of evil, but I can hear Q say “Hurt people, hurt people” and this Q'sim although not ok, is very true.
I believe in my healing and despair if I step out into the unknown and have faith, God will meet me there and not only heal me in my brokenness but help to teach others in their brokenness and heal them too.
I don’t have it together not sure I ever will … but here I am offering what I have in my time of brokenness in hopes it will help someone in their darkest hour not to feel so alone.
April 9th will be Forever Etched in my Memory as Day of Lasts.
The last day I would hear your voice
The last day I would feel your touch or embrace
The last day I would kiss your lips
The last day I would hear your laughter
The last day I would hear you encourage our children
The last day I would ever see you with my earthly eyes
I mean how could this be? Just the day before we were enjoying the eclipse together and laughing about Lulu (our squirrel hunting dog- if you were fortunate to catch the behind the scenes stories of Q and Lulu you can appreciate this comment- they were a riot together) wearing her safety glasses
April 9th was a Tuesday- for those who don’t know Tuesdays were date days for Quintin and I. We spent our mornings together enjoying coffee and most of the time breakfast, before the business of our day got started. These date days got started in order to spend intentional time together providing a bit of a reprieve from the hustle and bustle of being parents to four amazing active kiddos. We were intentional about carving out time just for the two of us, and made it a point to schedule in our time together and prioritized it over the business of life.
This Tuesday was like any other Tuesday. Alarm went off at 6:15 got our kids off to school (minus one who was away at college) and while I was showering and getting ready Q joked and talked to a good friend on the phone before we left , Pacing in true Q fashion. If you know Quintin, you know the man literally never sat down much less was he able to be still. His constant motion is something I will greatly miss. Spring was in the air and the sun was out – it was going to be a good day.
We enjoyed our time together at a local Cracker Barrel -sipping coffee (decaf for him of course) and talking about what the summer would be like having Kale home again, college visits for Ella, Fisher being so focused on crushing PR’s in track and how if Lily only knew how much potential she has how she would crush whatever she set her mind to.
After a good conversation, we went our separate ways. I would have normally snapped a quick selfie to remind others how important date days were and how fighting for your marriage in today’s society was so important, but on this particular day it didn’t even cross our mind. Oh how I wish we would have taken one… but I will chock this up to being in the moment with my sweet husband.
Later that afternoon, we met at the house to go to Lily’s track meet together to see her potential in action. He threw me the keys and asked me to drive because he had started not feeling well that day.
He had been having some back issues and indigestion which was unfortunately a common occurrence for him. He had recently been having esophageal spasms and was struggling with managing them. If you have ever had them you know how incredibly painful they are it was hard to watch him go through that.
We brought two chairs (he never sits in a chair- remember Q likes to pace) to watch Lily throw at invitationals and bring home first place on both events. Q was so proud of his little girl! He even posted about it on facebook, little did he know it happened to be his last social media post. He was such a great dad always being there to support, coach and cheer them on no matter the circumstance.
We truly had an amazing day in so many ways.
We decided to do Tacos at a local Mexican restaurant that evening and Quintin made the last minute decision to stay home. When we got home, Quintin had made grilled chicken for the week for Fisher to make sure his boy got his protein in. Even when he didn’t feel great he was always thinking and serving others, this speaks true to who Q was.
Some knew and many didn't, but Quintin struggled with long covid. It is not something he was public about for a multitude of reasons but even typing the word covid you will get flagged and meta will eventually ban your account, thus the reason for my blog post instead of a social media post. He had a difficult Covid spell in 2020 that landed him in the ER with heart rates of over 200 and that was the beginning of it all. His heart arrhythmias had started at Covid and increased sporadically over time. After extensive cardiac testing and cardiovascular appointments with multiple cardiologists – including an Electrophysiologist everyone was at a loss. His heart was healthy and strong but his electrical system seemed to be erratically broken. They called it idiopathic arrhythmias with no apparent structural heart defects or disease. In short, these arrhythmias had no identifiable cause therefore there was no identifiable solution. If only they could identity a trigger and localize the arrhythmia then they might could do something about it. They tried several different methods that didn't result in success.
Quintin was a 43 year old who suffered from a multitude of abnormal heart arrhythmias that they could not pin point. There was no pattern to them, nothing they could find that triggered them and the doctors reassured him they would not be fatal. These excitable abnormal arrhythmias were undoubtedly triggered by Covid. As I am sure you could imagine, this was followed with lots of confusion and frustration on our end. Puzzled doctors encouraged him to go to the Mayo Clinic so he didn't spare any time submitting his medical records and applying to the Mayo Clinic specifically with the Heart Rhythm Service Cardiovascular unit, two times to only be denied twice. Mayos response was “they only extend appointments to those patients who we truly think we can help and make a difference” … read that again, crazy right?
We were frustrated to say the least, however we trusted what the EP doctors had said and his arrhythmias would not be fatal. Debilitating at times yes, but would not be fatal. This was repeated to us from multiple doctors.
On the evening of April 9th,
On the evening of April 9th, laying next to me in bed watching Netflix he became unconscious. He had just gotten up less than ten minutes prior to get a drink of water. Just a few feet away, no noise leading up to the event, nothing out of the norm, just a relaxing evening at home, no signs of distress no nothing at all. I happened to look over to see him and that is when I realized something was not right. I was in complete and utter shock! I immediately yelled out for help, started trying to shake him to try to wake him up and then realized there was a bigger issue and started CPR right away. My sweet daughter ran downstairs to our room and immediately helped me by calling 911 and the two of us administered CPR for 9 minutes while my younger two children stood outside the door weeping. 9 minutes later the EMT arrived to take over our efforts.
The next 30 minutes, was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I screamed out in agony and immediately dropped to my knees there my sweet children hugged me and started to pray out loud for their dad. To witness my children in such despair is indescribable yet the strength and faith they had in their brokenness was so admirable. All of us felt so helpless.
In the next moments, we began to witness the absolute disbelief of our new unwanted reality unfolding in front of our very eyes. After 30 minutes of working to resuscitate my sweet husband and their father, the medical examiner and team said there was nothing they could do. We were in absolute shock and disbelief so many emotions flooded in. How could this be possible? As we went in to say our goodbyes it was like time stood still. I fell to my knees over his body and cried out to God and thanked him for the time He had given us with Quintin as my best friend and husband, truly the most amazing father and ultimately thankful for sending His son Jesus to the cross to die and raise again so that we will be able to see Quintin again. I realized that although his physical body was present, Quintin was no longer there. The father of my children, my protector had gone to be with his Heavenly Father where he was completely at peace. I was so broken, hurt, angry and so many emotions flooded however for some unknown reason all I could outwardly verbalize in that moment was gratitude. Thanking God for the time with Quintin and him choosing me to be his wife and mother of his children.
We had so many assumptions about the events that took place that evening but so many unanswered questions remained.
We got the official word that Quintin passed from sudden cardiac arrest. This is not a heart attack, sudden cardiac arrest is different than a heart attack. His heart was healthy in all ways, this was an electrical issue with his heart called ventricular fibrillation. This is a life threatening situation that results in a rapid inadequate heart beat. He was in ventricular fibrillation for 37 seconds and the only thing that could have potentially changed the outcome was an automated external defibrillator to be used immediately. And even with that there is a very slim chance of survival. Ventricular fibrillation is a rare occurrence and causes immediate loss of consciousness and no pulse. His sudden cardiac arrest was a result from long covid and had nothing to do with his lifestyle. He was very active with our kids, worked out with our boys and health conscious with his lifestyle decisions even drank decaf coffee. Covid messed up his electrical system and would debilitate him at times and unfortunately ultimately took his life. We are crushed and devastated and still have so many lingering questions. HOW? WHY? At 46, he had so much more to do in life. He was so young to have his life cut short.
I have been waiting to share until I had all the details of that night straightened out. I look back on that day and ask myself “what if” all day long … I truly have beat myself up and so have all of my children. From my sweet daughter who helped administer CPR to the younger two standing outside the room feeling helpless as they witnessed it all, to my son driving home from college wishing he could have been here to save his dad. We are all struggling. The fact is that we all did what we could and nothing that we could have done or didn’t do could have changed the outcome. Now it’s getting our head thoughts to connect with our hearts, truly the hardest part. My kids are all struggling so much in so many areas right now. Frankly, we all are. We all need your prayers, but my children especially.
I believe all of the night events leading up to the fatal event that happened that night were all unrelated. The doctors have even indicated this as well. These are questions I will never fully have answers to and that is a hard pill to swallow. I struggle with all of these unanswered questions each and every day. Then I am reminded that I get to choose where to spend my energy. I can choose to spend it on all the questions that will always remain unanswered, or I can choose to spend the little energy I have on loving on my children reminding them how much their father loved them and how they absolutely had no control over the outcome of this entire situation. How God had a plan for our lives and reassuring them He still does. God didn’t cause this to happen, however He will sustain us, walk with us and carry us when we need Him through it all. We are choosing to walk by faith and not by sight, because if I am being completely honest none of this makes any sense it wasn’t suppose to be this way yet here we are, this is our journey.
As day light broke the following morning, I could hear the birds chirping and the tree in my view full bloom as if it bloomed overnight. I had not gotten a wink of sleep and while sitting on the couch I happened to look over to see this in our hallway (pictured below)- you see he hung his hat that he wore on the 9th on a cross (He has never hung his hat here- he always hangs his hat in the laundry room on hooks) His hat was hanging on a cross with 3 nails right under another cross that says “It is well with my soul” … Chills went through my body and I immediately broke down in tears as this was a “godwink” and a sign from Q if you will, that we can rest assure in that very promise!
So here is your reminder to live life to its absolute fullest! Live life BIG like Q did, share the love of Christ and what He has done for you and others on the cross, date your spouse, spend intentional time with your kids- cheering them on in their interests and being their safe place to fall, be a truth telling genuine friend, take the trip, take the pic – live life with NO regrets. Faith first and Family and Friends second.
I don’t want Q to be known for the day he died rather the days he lived so I have created and will continue to update periodically a section I created in honor of my late husband “Cooking with Q” HERE with his favorite recipes, his cooking, fun hacks and chock full of wisdom that we call Q’ism’s that he was best known for around our dinner table. May you and your sweet family reclaim the table with a quick and easy crazy busy mama meal and share a Q’ism in effort to be more intentional with your family time.
For this is not goodbye but see you soon Q. Although life with you has been cut short, your blessings permeate and legacy through our children will remain.
Appreciate your continued prayers for my family and especially my sweet kiddos.
For those of you who would like to watch Quintin's Funeral you can do so HERE
Much Love – CBM
UPDATE: 2/25 : The Lingering Question…
Lots of questions asking if Quintin had the Covid vaccine, so I thought I would answer here so facebook and instagram couldn't shut me down for talking about restricted topics. He did not. I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding the vaccine (and rightfully so) I don’t want this to become a hot topic debate but we felt it was the best choice for our family to not take the vaccine. I believe people during this dark time of the pandemic really were trying to make the best decision for their family.
Covid is an ugly virus that I believe was created for death and destruction. Covid has proven to leave traces of MRNA to change the body just like the vaccine. Some people never fully recover from this horrific planted virus and many others are suffering from vaccine injuries that will ever be recorded.
All of it is a mind mess to say the least…
I am so angry because I believe had it not been for the planted pandemic, Quintin would not have had these ailments and suffered so greatly. Breaks my heart into a million pieces.
I know we are not alone in our tragedy! There are so many others who have suffered at the hands of Covid and there is just nothing we can do about it, EXCEPT for to SHARE with one another and learn from this horrible situation.
Like Quintin said in one of his brilliant Q’ism’s that he shared with our children.
“QUESTION EVERYTHING” critical thinking is so incredibly important especially in today’s world! Not everything is what it seems and anyone who gets upset for you questioning should raise an eyebrow. Question. Research. Educate by looking at both sides and make the best informed decision for you and your family! And as Quintin so eloquently said in his “open if an emergency letter” to me, LIVE with absolutely NO REGRETS
Make a decision and then another and live with no regrets!! Every decision builds on the next… no wrong decision-no shame- just a decision that you can change on the next decision.
Inform & EDUCATE!! Once you know better you do better!!
After the outpouring of support and love ❤️ I felt it necessary to add this piece to the puzzle.
Much gratitude & love ❤️
Lori
My heart hurts for you and your children. This is why some chose not to love so deeply, but not how God intended. You are an amazing woman, mother and wife. I can’t help but believe, with your platform and ambitions, God has a very purpose for your testimony.
Even though I do mot interact much to your blog or post, I enjoy them very much and admire you and Q so. Keep being the good despite the negative evil comments ???
Thank you for sharing your story of your Q. It has touched my heart and has also hit home. I lost my cousin this January after she had Covid. They said she had a massive heart attack. She and I were best friends all our lives, but I too have the promise I will see her again. ???? I just started following CBM this year. I really have enjoyed listening to you talk of your faith and the love for your husband and children. Fun fact, I looked back over your videos when I first found CBM and I found one of Q and his tip on boiling eggs…genius!! I use this now every time. Love it ? Again thank you for your courage, thank your sharing your journey and sharing your faith. It is a blessing to many! Know you are helping someone that’s going through a valley and that you’re not alone in yours.
Oh LORI!!!! What it took for you to write this and dispell all the horrid rumors!!! I will share with you my then almost 45 year old daughter got Covid and 3 months later began 10/15 minute’s seizures middle of the night and she was NOT epileptic! They damaged her left front lobal part of her brain, damaged her kidneys, and her heart! She has finally been free of those grand mall seizures but keeps horrible headaches with swelling in her neck and various places where lymph nodes are! She gets low blood pressure yet high pulse rates. Feels weak. They have deemed her to have Long Covid and will have to live with these awful symptoms and she has a few tiny focal seizures during the day and hasn’t caused her to lose consciousness during them. Covid 19 was designed to do exactly what it has done to so many. Kill millions and disable millions more with possible death to come, and Drs are stumped and we all have to accept this as their answers???? I’m so sorry for your loss! My daughter is about to turn 49 and each day the struggle for her is getting worse. Had a high school crush who other classmates posted his heart just stopped just as your Q’s did!!! Middle of the night his smart watch showed his heart just quit and he went unconscious as well. Strong athletic man who hiked mountains even out of the USA, had long distance bike rides with his wife across country from East to West then did small ones for just a few states. You never know WHEN and never will know WHY, other than God said: It’s time to come back HOME.
Praying for you and your children and asking Him to provide you all with some semblance of Peace and the ability to continue together strength thru this new journey without your Q…by the way——I cried ugly crying tears reading this and re read it several times just to grasp this info——God Bless you all ??️?
Good morning, I hope you have enjoyed your coffee this morning.
I have been following you for many years and hear your voice pop in my head throfug out the day. Crazy busy moma here heh I cook a lot of your recipes and watch a lot of your videos.
I hurt for you and your family. I am so sorry you all are going through this.
The memories of someone as special as your husband will live on forever.. No words can truly express my sorrow for your loss. I hope you find solace and comfort in the months ahead. Thinking of you all and I will continue to make your awesome recipes
My heart hurts for you and your babies. You having to relive ever moment of that night by writing this post. The picture of his hat on the cross brought me to tears. I am so sorry about bully’s on social media. I am so sorry what you and your babies had to experience that night. Q sounds like a wonderful, strong man who probably felt something different was going on this time but hoping it would just go away and wouldn’t want to “bother” you with worry. Or think, the doctors are just going to say the same thing, why bother going in this time. ?I am just so sorry. I am sorry your husband went through what he did since Covid and especially his last moments. ? May God bless you all, Ms Lori. ? We will make a CBM and Q recipe this weekend. You guys are adorable and admirable❤️
so very sorry for your sending prayers for you and your children
Lori, I’m so Very Sorry for your loss, did he have covid in April? or back in 2020? I myself had covid in 2020 and almost passed away I fought for 2 1/2 months I was home sick for a month then i was hospitalized for a month and then a nursing home for two weeks (my oxygen was 40) im just wondering the chance of the same thing happening to me, I know they dont know long term affects from covid… but it would be nice to know… Again so sorry for your loss Q rest in peace .
Beautiful and vulnerable post. Praying for you and your children! May God continue to hold all of you in His righteous right hand and guard your hearts in Christ Jesus. Love and hugs to all.
-Katie Beeh
My heart aches for you and your kiddos. I too suffer from esophageal spasms-horrible. Please take care of you-there is no timeline for grief. For those who say otherwise they have never lost a piece of themselves. Stay in bed for a day if you need to-be well and keep looking up. God is good.
I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words to manage your wounds. May the Father of mercies comfort your affliction. Brava, sister in Christ, for telling as much of the story as you wanted to tell.
I’m so sorry the cause was what it was. I pray that your courage to call it by its name will protect and save many more Christian families from knowing this heartache. I have heard many stories from other Christians with LC of being mocked and rejected by their church families for not having faith or believing the wrong politicians or laziness. Or living in fear for trying to avoid getting even worse from C reinfections. From what they have told me, your courage to tell the truth means the world.
I am so very sorry for your loss. May the Lord make it fruitful for His kingdom (which doesn’t decrease the pain but means it has purpose).
We never know when the Lord will call us home. My heart breaks for you and your kiddos. Q seemed like an incredible husband and father. He accomplished much in his short time here on earth. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you navigate trying to find a “new normal”.
As for those who tell you to “get over it”, they have obviously never gone through anything like this. You dont ever “get over it”. You just learn to survive it and pray it gets easier. Q will always be with you and in your hearts. The Lord has his guiding hand on you. Just lean on HIM <3.
P.S. The link to the celebration of life is not working.
With great love comes great loss…..never let someone tell you to “just get over it.” No such thing…this is a life long struggle that will ebb and flow…God Bless you and your kiddos….
Lori, my heart absolutely breaks for you and your kids. You will be in my prayers infinitely. I love everything about you and Quintin. You keep going, girl! You’re an inspiration to so many. I’m sending you so much love and may God bless your beautiful family.
Tracey
Lori, Thank you so much for sharing your story of Quintin & you & your family’s tragedy: of losing your wonderful husband, best friend, & Father. I love seeing your family pictures as it brings to light just what a man Q was. Your family has LOVE written all over your faces in pictures and LOVE doesn’t just stop there as Q would not want that. He wants those smiles to carry on in some way shape or form. It is ok to be sad through this rough & sad time as that is part of life we really don’t care about. But slipping in a SMILE when you can: whether it be a memory you think about of everyday togetherness with Q, or Tuesday Date Day memory laughing at the table, or Family Time at the dinner table with the laughs, conversations & Q’isms going on, or being in the kitchen laughing at Q trying to figure out a recipe that you stand around with a smile waiting for the outcome or just a plain downright silly moment. That and Those SMILES is what Q remembers about his loving wife, best friend and kiddos so keep that memory going. Oh, what a Man he was, just by your recordings and thankful of your sharings. God does have this in control in some way that we have no knowing’s but can just continue the journey with him and “Q” & see where they lead you. LOVE: this is what this is about. Continue on with your great sites and SMILE when you truly can.
I stumbled across one of your morning videos after your husband had passed. I’m so sorry for you and your children’s loss. I will be praying for you all for peace and comfort.
Thank you for sharing with us. I lost my Dad in December and my brother unexpectedly in April. My brother was a picture of health. Thank you for the information on Covid. As hard as it was to share, I hope you find comfort knowing how much people care. One day at a time.